if i had known where my life would be today, i still would have walked down that aisle 13 years ago. the first day of spring 1999...my new life was just beginning...so much hope, so much happiness, so much promise, so much potential...we were so blessed. today, i look back and i see things that i would have done a bit differently. hindsight is 20/20.
but i don't regret it.
i don't regret how i have lived my life or how i have chosen to handle and deal with my divorce. i have held my head high and i am finally starting to truly believe that i can do this and that i am doing this. God never said that His plan was an easy one.
today i have so much hope, so much happiness, so much promise, and so much potential. the anchor has been cast away and i am free to LIVE and grow and thrive! my children will know a life without conditions. a life where they will be able to make decisions based on what is best for themselves. a life full of love and laughter and fun. thanks be to God.
i don't regret it. it has made me who i am today.
he will be the one with regret...
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
healing...
Dear Authentic Girl,
Your heart will mend, it will. It always always will, no matter how many times it has been broken. Sometimes our hearts have to be broken to be made into something newer, stronger, and wiser. Sometimes the cracks that a broken heart makes and leaves are the very portals to the greatest light and love and learning that we will ever experience.
Having our hearts broken is a part of life. It just is. Anyone who lives and loves with all of their heart, or even with parts of their heart, is destined to experience the breaking of that heart at one time or another.
Be with those feelings. Don't rush the healing time. Let it go at its own pace and certainly don't shove those feelings into some faux hiding place, believing that what is out of sight is out of mind.
Broken hearts have a lot to say, and the more patient you are to listen, the faster your heart will heal. Listen to what your broken heart is saying about how it wants life to be in the future.
Be patient and gentle with yourself. No rushing. Rushing a broken heart is a bit unkind and impatient. You don't want to treat yourself that way!
You are so loved. You are so wise and wonderful and amazing.
You are healing right now.
xoxo
It's amazing how something so random can speak to you at the exact moment you need to hear it. I received this email as a part of a Brave Girls Club newsletter that I subscribe to. It came to me in May of this year. It made me cry... I have said before that having your heart broken for the first time at 34 is really hard...really really REALLY hard! These words hit me like a hammer, they were being nailed to my heart, helping to repair the cracks and the broken pieces of a love that I had held so dear. It became clear to me that this was part of God's plan. I realized that God was making my divorce take for.ev.er. for a reason. I needed to start the healing process before it was over, and my healing process took a very long time to start. I grieved for my marriage...I still do...but my grief had a very long road to travel. Up and down, back and forth, around and around and around. God knew that if my divorce was rushed that I wouldn't be able to cope with the sheer magnitude of all that was going on in my life. It happened in His time...18 months time. I realize that that may not be long as far as some divorces go, but it felt like an eternity to me. But I needed that eternity to get myself and my heart prepared for the next step.
My heart is in a good place right now. Quite peaceful and abundantly thankful. God has surrounded me with the greatest people on the earth. Amazing family, true friends, and those three little souls that make every day worth living. I am trying to wait patiently for God's plan for my new life to unfold. Patient waiting has never been one of my strong points... what keeps me going is knowing that I am not in control and that God is not troubled or worried about where my life is going. He is holding the directions. I couldn't have asked for a better navigator. I am happy, my children are happy, I have a home, a job, a future...I can't say it enough...I am blessed!!! I look back now to the point at the beginning of this journey where I thought that I had used up all of my blessings and that God was angry with me for not being good enough. What a desperate place. I am so thankful to have made it through that agonizing time. My pastor, my counselor, my family and my friends all knew better and helped me to realize that my blessings were just beginning.
My heart may have been broken, but it is healing nicely. There will be a nasty, ugly scar for sure, but that will fade with time and it will make my heart that much stronger.
Your heart will mend, it will. It always always will, no matter how many times it has been broken. Sometimes our hearts have to be broken to be made into something newer, stronger, and wiser. Sometimes the cracks that a broken heart makes and leaves are the very portals to the greatest light and love and learning that we will ever experience.
Having our hearts broken is a part of life. It just is. Anyone who lives and loves with all of their heart, or even with parts of their heart, is destined to experience the breaking of that heart at one time or another.
Be with those feelings. Don't rush the healing time. Let it go at its own pace and certainly don't shove those feelings into some faux hiding place, believing that what is out of sight is out of mind.
Broken hearts have a lot to say, and the more patient you are to listen, the faster your heart will heal. Listen to what your broken heart is saying about how it wants life to be in the future.
Be patient and gentle with yourself. No rushing. Rushing a broken heart is a bit unkind and impatient. You don't want to treat yourself that way!
You are so loved. You are so wise and wonderful and amazing.
You are healing right now.
xoxo
It's amazing how something so random can speak to you at the exact moment you need to hear it. I received this email as a part of a Brave Girls Club newsletter that I subscribe to. It came to me in May of this year. It made me cry... I have said before that having your heart broken for the first time at 34 is really hard...really really REALLY hard! These words hit me like a hammer, they were being nailed to my heart, helping to repair the cracks and the broken pieces of a love that I had held so dear. It became clear to me that this was part of God's plan. I realized that God was making my divorce take for.ev.er. for a reason. I needed to start the healing process before it was over, and my healing process took a very long time to start. I grieved for my marriage...I still do...but my grief had a very long road to travel. Up and down, back and forth, around and around and around. God knew that if my divorce was rushed that I wouldn't be able to cope with the sheer magnitude of all that was going on in my life. It happened in His time...18 months time. I realize that that may not be long as far as some divorces go, but it felt like an eternity to me. But I needed that eternity to get myself and my heart prepared for the next step.
My heart is in a good place right now. Quite peaceful and abundantly thankful. God has surrounded me with the greatest people on the earth. Amazing family, true friends, and those three little souls that make every day worth living. I am trying to wait patiently for God's plan for my new life to unfold. Patient waiting has never been one of my strong points... what keeps me going is knowing that I am not in control and that God is not troubled or worried about where my life is going. He is holding the directions. I couldn't have asked for a better navigator. I am happy, my children are happy, I have a home, a job, a future...I can't say it enough...I am blessed!!! I look back now to the point at the beginning of this journey where I thought that I had used up all of my blessings and that God was angry with me for not being good enough. What a desperate place. I am so thankful to have made it through that agonizing time. My pastor, my counselor, my family and my friends all knew better and helped me to realize that my blessings were just beginning.
My heart may have been broken, but it is healing nicely. There will be a nasty, ugly scar for sure, but that will fade with time and it will make my heart that much stronger.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Spring
Ahhh...the first day of spring. I have always loved this day. It brings hope for so many things...beauty, warmth, new life, no more snow. It's no wonder why I chose this day to be the day that I married the man that I wanted to share the rest of my life with. Our new life together began 12 years ago today on the 1st day of spring 1999. It was a beautiful day, much like today actually. A bit chillier, but still bright and sunny. A day filled with happiness and love. It was such a great feeling to be surrounded by so many people that loved us and celebrated us. It is still so baffling to me that it has all ended.
But, it has and I have to move forward. Unfortunately for me I have two wonderful little souls that make it very hard. Those boys are so gosh darn sweet, most days I can hardly stand it! They love me and are never shy about telling me so. I hope that never changes! The only problem is they also say the most difficult things to hear...they keep asking me when I'm going to marry daddy again, or they start planning adventures for when daddy and I get married again, and why don't I just live with daddy and how I should just go to daddy's and give him a kiss so it will all be better. Those words are like little daggers to my heart! They are so innocent and so young. I wish that I could just take this all away from them.
My poor Ellie is just as innocent. She asks even tougher questions. "Hey Mom...are you and dad divorced yet?" and when I reply "No, not yet.", she is all "Oh good, then there is still time for you to get back together, right?" Then I get to break her heart and quash her hope when I tell her there is no time to stop this. They do not say these things to or ask these questions of their father. So totally unfair!! I don't think that he could answer them or deal with them in a way that his 4 year old sons and 8 year old daughter would understand. He can't answer them in a way that makes me understand either.
When he brought the kids home this afternoon, I looked for the man that I met 14yrs ago...the man that fathered our 3 beautiful children...the man that taught and showed me what true love was...the man that gave me a marriage that I cherished for 10 and 11/12th's years... I didn't see that man today. I will probably never see him again. That is really hard...it's not that I haven't tried to find him, it's hard because I don't think that he wants to be found.
Twelve years ago, I would have never imagined that I'd be in the place I am now. Thankfully, I am not alone. God knows that I took my vows to heart and that I have stayed true to them. He will continue to stand beside me. Today, His love is what I need and it is so amazing to know that He will never falter or leave.
I have had a really hard time the past week or so listening to our local Christian radio station. They have been talking a lot about the Weekend to Remember conference that is coming up. I've had to change the channel b/c it makes me so angry at K. We were supposed to go to that conference last year. We were separated, but I had been hearing about it on the radio and really started to look into it. I really felt that God wanted us to attend that conference. Apparently, my mother in law felt the same way. I had been seriously contemplating it and then K was actually the one that brought it up. His mom had been talking about it with him quite a bit and had convinced him to give it a chance. We were all set to go, but a week before the conference, he had a really, really contrived excuse as to why he couldn't go. I was crushed. The topics of that weekend were meant for us to hear. I couldn't force him to go...just like I couldn't force him to counselling or force him to look me in the eye and tell me why he was doing all of this. He didn't want to do any of these things, so he simply didn't.
I will say that this anniversary was much easier than last year. Last year I still had hope, so I was grieving for the uncertainty that that hope brought. This year is more of just another day. That makes me sad on a day that used to bring so much happiness.
But, it has and I have to move forward. Unfortunately for me I have two wonderful little souls that make it very hard. Those boys are so gosh darn sweet, most days I can hardly stand it! They love me and are never shy about telling me so. I hope that never changes! The only problem is they also say the most difficult things to hear...they keep asking me when I'm going to marry daddy again, or they start planning adventures for when daddy and I get married again, and why don't I just live with daddy and how I should just go to daddy's and give him a kiss so it will all be better. Those words are like little daggers to my heart! They are so innocent and so young. I wish that I could just take this all away from them.
My poor Ellie is just as innocent. She asks even tougher questions. "Hey Mom...are you and dad divorced yet?" and when I reply "No, not yet.", she is all "Oh good, then there is still time for you to get back together, right?" Then I get to break her heart and quash her hope when I tell her there is no time to stop this. They do not say these things to or ask these questions of their father. So totally unfair!! I don't think that he could answer them or deal with them in a way that his 4 year old sons and 8 year old daughter would understand. He can't answer them in a way that makes me understand either.
When he brought the kids home this afternoon, I looked for the man that I met 14yrs ago...the man that fathered our 3 beautiful children...the man that taught and showed me what true love was...the man that gave me a marriage that I cherished for 10 and 11/12th's years... I didn't see that man today. I will probably never see him again. That is really hard...it's not that I haven't tried to find him, it's hard because I don't think that he wants to be found.
Twelve years ago, I would have never imagined that I'd be in the place I am now. Thankfully, I am not alone. God knows that I took my vows to heart and that I have stayed true to them. He will continue to stand beside me. Today, His love is what I need and it is so amazing to know that He will never falter or leave.
I have had a really hard time the past week or so listening to our local Christian radio station. They have been talking a lot about the Weekend to Remember conference that is coming up. I've had to change the channel b/c it makes me so angry at K. We were supposed to go to that conference last year. We were separated, but I had been hearing about it on the radio and really started to look into it. I really felt that God wanted us to attend that conference. Apparently, my mother in law felt the same way. I had been seriously contemplating it and then K was actually the one that brought it up. His mom had been talking about it with him quite a bit and had convinced him to give it a chance. We were all set to go, but a week before the conference, he had a really, really contrived excuse as to why he couldn't go. I was crushed. The topics of that weekend were meant for us to hear. I couldn't force him to go...just like I couldn't force him to counselling or force him to look me in the eye and tell me why he was doing all of this. He didn't want to do any of these things, so he simply didn't.
I will say that this anniversary was much easier than last year. Last year I still had hope, so I was grieving for the uncertainty that that hope brought. This year is more of just another day. That makes me sad on a day that used to bring so much happiness.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
...One Year...
I have waited and dreaded this day for a long, long time. February 6. Two days after Nate and Zak's 3rd birthday...three days after my 34th. It feels like forever and yesterday at the same time. I remember the events that led up to the argument that ended in his telling me that I needed to take the kids and leave. I remember getting in the car and driving away with no idea where I was going and feeling more fear then I have ever felt before. I was crying and Ella said to me "It's okay to cry Mom. I cry sometimes too and I will be here for you." My sweet, innocent child.
My in-law's were in Maui, so we stayed there for the night. We came home the next day to a man that none of us knew. Cold, hard, unfeeling, absolutely no affect. I remember that I sat that in the farthest left hand corner of the couch, while my sister-in-law sat in "my" chair and he in his. Our children were playing quietly upstairs when he told me that he hadn't loved me for 5 years and possibly never at all. He "may" have gotten married out of convenience. I died, but I was still living....
I remember my sister called my mom. She came and I remember telling her that I was going to die. The pain that I felt was immeasurable. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel anything but pain. My heart was literally broken. I couldn't take care of my kids. My mom took the boys home with her, but Ella had to stay with me so she could go to school. It kills me that my 7 yr old witnessed her mother fall apart. I regret not being strong enough to shield her from the heartache and pain.
That was the night that I called out to Jesus. What had I done to deserve this? How could this be happening to me? To us? What could I do to make him love me again? Why Lord? Why? I was a sinner for sure, but I loved my husband and our family more than anything...how could God hate me so much that He would take them away from me? It was that night that I did the scariest thing in my life...I gave my marriage to God. That was the night that I felt a peace in my broken heart that could have been put there only by the Grace of my Father. I have kept that peace throughout this past year. Sure there have been periods of fear, doubt, anger and uncertainty, but through all of those feelings, the peace has remained...God has remained.
Christ showed me that I was not the cause of this situation. There was nothing that I could have done to prevent it and there was nothing that I could do to change the outcome. K was set on divorce and by golly, he was going to get a divorce, no matter the price. It was a miraculous thing for my husband to finally be free of us...his back no longer hurt, he was able to get a good nights sleep, ahhhh...the freedom and the peace and the quiet.
My love for K never wavered. I prayed for God to take my love for him away. It hurt so much to love a man, the man that taught and showed me what true love was, and know that he no longer loved me. Having your heart broken for the first time at age 34 is unreal and unimaginable. He admitted that he said a lot things in the beginning to hurt me. He is not the man that I married almost 12 years ago. There were many lies and tales told to me, I think b/c he wanted me to file, so that he wouldn't look like the bad guy. Unfortunately for him, I took my vows seriously and did everything in my power to save our marriage. I'm stubborn like that.
I can finally say that God is healing my heart... I still feel pain. I still have uncertainty. I still cry. But there is so much good in my life that those feelings are now in the minority. God is slowly taking my love away. Before, all I saw and thought of were the good qualities that my husband possessed. All of the wonderful times that we had together and with our children. All of the horrible things that he was putting us through were nothing compared to what we could have had together. Finally...FINALLY I am seeing with not only my eyes, but also with my heart, that we are better off without him. It is an amazing sight.
God has a plan for my children and me. I pray that I am able to follow the path He is guiding me to. I pray that I am able to do His will. I don't know where my life is headed, but I do know that it will be blessed. My children are so happy here. They are thriving. They are learning. They are loved.
I am so happy to say that the friends that were with me at the beginning of this ordeal are still with me today. They are true and godly and amazing. My family is simply the best. God's hands have carried me through this year, but these wonderful people have stayed by my side and have held me tight, even when they wanted to shake me and open my eyes to what they were seeing. They allowed me to come to that realization on my own. Patient, patient souls.
This year was hands down the most difficult of my life. I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't experienced it. We made it. We survived. WE ARE ALIVE!
Praise the Lord!
My in-law's were in Maui, so we stayed there for the night. We came home the next day to a man that none of us knew. Cold, hard, unfeeling, absolutely no affect. I remember that I sat that in the farthest left hand corner of the couch, while my sister-in-law sat in "my" chair and he in his. Our children were playing quietly upstairs when he told me that he hadn't loved me for 5 years and possibly never at all. He "may" have gotten married out of convenience. I died, but I was still living....
I remember my sister called my mom. She came and I remember telling her that I was going to die. The pain that I felt was immeasurable. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel anything but pain. My heart was literally broken. I couldn't take care of my kids. My mom took the boys home with her, but Ella had to stay with me so she could go to school. It kills me that my 7 yr old witnessed her mother fall apart. I regret not being strong enough to shield her from the heartache and pain.
That was the night that I called out to Jesus. What had I done to deserve this? How could this be happening to me? To us? What could I do to make him love me again? Why Lord? Why? I was a sinner for sure, but I loved my husband and our family more than anything...how could God hate me so much that He would take them away from me? It was that night that I did the scariest thing in my life...I gave my marriage to God. That was the night that I felt a peace in my broken heart that could have been put there only by the Grace of my Father. I have kept that peace throughout this past year. Sure there have been periods of fear, doubt, anger and uncertainty, but through all of those feelings, the peace has remained...God has remained.
Christ showed me that I was not the cause of this situation. There was nothing that I could have done to prevent it and there was nothing that I could do to change the outcome. K was set on divorce and by golly, he was going to get a divorce, no matter the price. It was a miraculous thing for my husband to finally be free of us...his back no longer hurt, he was able to get a good nights sleep, ahhhh...the freedom and the peace and the quiet.
My love for K never wavered. I prayed for God to take my love for him away. It hurt so much to love a man, the man that taught and showed me what true love was, and know that he no longer loved me. Having your heart broken for the first time at age 34 is unreal and unimaginable. He admitted that he said a lot things in the beginning to hurt me. He is not the man that I married almost 12 years ago. There were many lies and tales told to me, I think b/c he wanted me to file, so that he wouldn't look like the bad guy. Unfortunately for him, I took my vows seriously and did everything in my power to save our marriage. I'm stubborn like that.
I can finally say that God is healing my heart... I still feel pain. I still have uncertainty. I still cry. But there is so much good in my life that those feelings are now in the minority. God is slowly taking my love away. Before, all I saw and thought of were the good qualities that my husband possessed. All of the wonderful times that we had together and with our children. All of the horrible things that he was putting us through were nothing compared to what we could have had together. Finally...FINALLY I am seeing with not only my eyes, but also with my heart, that we are better off without him. It is an amazing sight.
God has a plan for my children and me. I pray that I am able to follow the path He is guiding me to. I pray that I am able to do His will. I don't know where my life is headed, but I do know that it will be blessed. My children are so happy here. They are thriving. They are learning. They are loved.
I am so happy to say that the friends that were with me at the beginning of this ordeal are still with me today. They are true and godly and amazing. My family is simply the best. God's hands have carried me through this year, but these wonderful people have stayed by my side and have held me tight, even when they wanted to shake me and open my eyes to what they were seeing. They allowed me to come to that realization on my own. Patient, patient souls.
This year was hands down the most difficult of my life. I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't experienced it. We made it. We survived. WE ARE ALIVE!
Praise the Lord!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Dear 2010,
You were an awful year in so many, many ways. There were lots of times that I wished that you never were. A few times when I wished that I never was either. You brought a lot of bad things with you 2010...pain, anguish, fear, doubt, uncertainty, loss, the end of my marriage and family... Plain and simply put, You Suck 2010!!! You suck suck suck!!!
BUT
You also brought so much good in spite of all that suck. I learned so much from you. 2010, you taught me that I literally have the strength to move mountains. The strength to stand on these two feet, when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry (or something much worse that rhymes with cry).
I discovered that I am abundantly blessed in the friend department. I mean seriously, fabulously, crazy blessed. I have been truly amazed by the outpouring of love and kindness that my children and I have received during your reign 2010. A.M.A.Z.E.D.
2010, you showed me that what I have always believed about my family was positively true. My children, my parents, my sister, my aunts and uncles and my cousins have given me unending, unbelievable, unprecidented love, support, and loyalty. (Even a few of my married-into-family!!) They will probably never know the extent of the impact that their actions have had on my kids and me. We would not be where we are without them...each and every single one.
To be honest, I despise what you have put my children thru and I may never forgive you for that. I know that it isn't really your fault, 2010, but it was still really rotten. I am happy to say that E, N and Z have worn you quite well....so much better than myself. You showed them that they are the most important people on earth to me and that I will do whatever it takes to love them and to provide for them.
But the best thing that you gave me 2010, was you renewed my relationship with God. I have loved my Lord for so many years, but I did not seek Him as I should have for quite some time. February 6, 2010 was the day that I came to Him, broken in a million pieces and He picked me up and started, piece by tiny piece, to put me back together. It has been a hard road. A hard, rocky, winding, back tracking, uphill, blind, high road. I am so beyond thankful that God is carrying my map and He is the One guiding me. I am no longer scared. I don't doubt. I know that I have a long way to go to be healed...I know that I will never be completely healed, but I know that Christ has a plan for me and it doesn't involve intentional heartache and pain. He has provided us with more blessings than I could have ever imagined.
So, as much as it pains me to say, Thank You 2010. Thank you for not being a complete waste of time...thank you for growing me into the strong, independent person that I am today. I am a better mom because of you. I am a better ME because of you.
Sincerely,
Kara
P.S. 2011, You don't have to reach very high to out do 2010. BUT...I have big plans for you, so you'd better get yourself together and get ready...
BUT
You also brought so much good in spite of all that suck. I learned so much from you. 2010, you taught me that I literally have the strength to move mountains. The strength to stand on these two feet, when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry (or something much worse that rhymes with cry).
I discovered that I am abundantly blessed in the friend department. I mean seriously, fabulously, crazy blessed. I have been truly amazed by the outpouring of love and kindness that my children and I have received during your reign 2010. A.M.A.Z.E.D.
2010, you showed me that what I have always believed about my family was positively true. My children, my parents, my sister, my aunts and uncles and my cousins have given me unending, unbelievable, unprecidented love, support, and loyalty. (Even a few of my married-into-family!!) They will probably never know the extent of the impact that their actions have had on my kids and me. We would not be where we are without them...each and every single one.
To be honest, I despise what you have put my children thru and I may never forgive you for that. I know that it isn't really your fault, 2010, but it was still really rotten. I am happy to say that E, N and Z have worn you quite well....so much better than myself. You showed them that they are the most important people on earth to me and that I will do whatever it takes to love them and to provide for them.
But the best thing that you gave me 2010, was you renewed my relationship with God. I have loved my Lord for so many years, but I did not seek Him as I should have for quite some time. February 6, 2010 was the day that I came to Him, broken in a million pieces and He picked me up and started, piece by tiny piece, to put me back together. It has been a hard road. A hard, rocky, winding, back tracking, uphill, blind, high road. I am so beyond thankful that God is carrying my map and He is the One guiding me. I am no longer scared. I don't doubt. I know that I have a long way to go to be healed...I know that I will never be completely healed, but I know that Christ has a plan for me and it doesn't involve intentional heartache and pain. He has provided us with more blessings than I could have ever imagined.
So, as much as it pains me to say, Thank You 2010. Thank you for not being a complete waste of time...thank you for growing me into the strong, independent person that I am today. I am a better mom because of you. I am a better ME because of you.
Sincerely,
Kara
P.S. 2011, You don't have to reach very high to out do 2010. BUT...I have big plans for you, so you'd better get yourself together and get ready...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A new sound.
I heard something new tonight....something beautiful and something that I have been longing to hear for quite some time. It was the sound of normalcy. It was perfection to my ears and my heart. It was a gorgeous night here in NE and after supper Zak and I went out in the backyard. I with my book and he with his scooter. Pretty soon Nater came out with Fletchy dog. A couple of great rounds of fetch with the tennis ball ensued. A few minutes later, Ellie showed up....and there it was...our little family. Our new normal.
The children played (together! nicely!!), I sat on the swing and read my book (hooray!), Fletchy chewed on a bone (like any good dog would), the sound of other children playing outside filtered in, a lawn mower, some light traffic....all so completely...complete. I thought...if only K were here to witness this perfection. But he is not, nor would he likely ever be. This is his busy time of the year (16hrs days as opposed to 12-14hr days). Even if we were home and together, he would still miss out on this amazing time of family. My heart aches for that, for him. I can not imagine missing this time in our children's lives. They are so so precious and fragile and innocent and smart and funny and and and... I could go on for days about these souls that we created. That God created. I am beyond blessed to be a part of their lives here and wish that their earthly father could/would share in the everyday with them. I am trying not to focus on him though...it is not my loss, but his. His incredibly huge, important, significant loss.
There are so many days that I despise my situation. Then there are days that I am thankful and that is when the guilt sets in. We lived a very good life. But now we are "living" so much more. Living without the fear of his disappointment for being late or the dread of asking permission to do something out of his comfort zone. My husband is not a dictator, by any means, but he likes rigidity and does not like it when things do not go as planned. Three young children does not a rigid schedule make....
That being said, I miss him. I miss my partner. I miss being able to take 15 minutes for myself if I need to. I miss discussing the day to day nothings with my love. I miss just being in his presence...we felt safe there. We felt secure there. We felt grounded there. We also felt a bit stifled and under a thumb there.
Here... We feel freedom. We feel fortunate. We feel blessed. We feel normal. We feel at home. How can that not be a good thing?
We have this outstanding tree in our backyard. My parents hung a swing in it and the kids get so much joy out of it. The boys run and belly into the swing and fly around, running on air. Ella wants to build a tree house in the tree. It would be really cool. Tonight she was standing on the swing in the tree and said "Mom, can you please buy this house? I just love it here." Music to my ears.
Our family....captured by emy.dear.
The children played (together! nicely!!), I sat on the swing and read my book (hooray!), Fletchy chewed on a bone (like any good dog would), the sound of other children playing outside filtered in, a lawn mower, some light traffic....all so completely...complete. I thought...if only K were here to witness this perfection. But he is not, nor would he likely ever be. This is his busy time of the year (16hrs days as opposed to 12-14hr days). Even if we were home and together, he would still miss out on this amazing time of family. My heart aches for that, for him. I can not imagine missing this time in our children's lives. They are so so precious and fragile and innocent and smart and funny and and and... I could go on for days about these souls that we created. That God created. I am beyond blessed to be a part of their lives here and wish that their earthly father could/would share in the everyday with them. I am trying not to focus on him though...it is not my loss, but his. His incredibly huge, important, significant loss.
There are so many days that I despise my situation. Then there are days that I am thankful and that is when the guilt sets in. We lived a very good life. But now we are "living" so much more. Living without the fear of his disappointment for being late or the dread of asking permission to do something out of his comfort zone. My husband is not a dictator, by any means, but he likes rigidity and does not like it when things do not go as planned. Three young children does not a rigid schedule make....
That being said, I miss him. I miss my partner. I miss being able to take 15 minutes for myself if I need to. I miss discussing the day to day nothings with my love. I miss just being in his presence...we felt safe there. We felt secure there. We felt grounded there. We also felt a bit stifled and under a thumb there.
Here... We feel freedom. We feel fortunate. We feel blessed. We feel normal. We feel at home. How can that not be a good thing?
We have this outstanding tree in our backyard. My parents hung a swing in it and the kids get so much joy out of it. The boys run and belly into the swing and fly around, running on air. Ella wants to build a tree house in the tree. It would be really cool. Tonight she was standing on the swing in the tree and said "Mom, can you please buy this house? I just love it here." Music to my ears.
Our family....captured by emy.dear.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
41 and counting
My parents celebrated their 41st wedding anniversary on August 2. Wow. That is a freaky long time. Their story began waaaaay back in 1968 at the Sunken Garden....a girl meets up with a boy and they search for a frog...what they found was love. They met on a blind date, were engaged 5 weeks later and were married 11 months after their first meeting. No sense in wasting time when it's right...that is so crazy and sweet and kinda scary.
I think that my parents would be the first to say that the past 41 years hasn't all been roses and bubbles and glittery good times. They have had their share of problems and hard times. My sister and I (but especially my sister!) were not the easiest children to raise. Even with the difficult hand that we dealt them, they did a fabulous job. Bubba and I are fairly well adjusted, successful, crazy cool kids. And as much as B and I hate to admit it...we have become our parents. Good times.
Mom and Dad have supported each other thru so much. Job and career changes and stress, illness, children, grandchildren, home renovation, pets, their own parents....LIFE. Amazing they supported each other and dealt with life. I have to say...they don't make things like they used to. 41 years ago, marriages were built to last. They were made to withstand the wear and tear of every day use. every.single.day.
I am sad that I may never have a 41st anniversary...or a 12th or even another 1st. I am also angry. I guess that K and I didn't read the same instruction manual when we got married. I have to say that I think that the manual evolves as the marriage evolves. I feel that I kept my manual current, but K's may have last been updated back when wives actually did "obey" and "submit" to their husbands. I hate that I was not able to be that wife for him, but I just can not obey rules that I don't feel are good or fair or followed by everyone. Unfortunately, being the rule breaker that I am hasn't earned me a trip to the principal's office and detention...it's a been a trip to the lawyer and a date with a judge. ugh. double ugh.
I thank my parents for keeping their manuals up to date. They love each other almost always...there are still days when they anger and annoy each other to no end, but their anger and annoyance does end and their love ALWAYS finds its way back home.
Back in 1968 my mom went in search of a frog for her roommate and what she found was her prince...my dad. I love you guys. I pray that you have many, many, many more anniversaries to celebrate.
I think that my parents would be the first to say that the past 41 years hasn't all been roses and bubbles and glittery good times. They have had their share of problems and hard times. My sister and I (but especially my sister!) were not the easiest children to raise. Even with the difficult hand that we dealt them, they did a fabulous job. Bubba and I are fairly well adjusted, successful, crazy cool kids. And as much as B and I hate to admit it...we have become our parents. Good times.
Mom and Dad have supported each other thru so much. Job and career changes and stress, illness, children, grandchildren, home renovation, pets, their own parents....LIFE. Amazing they supported each other and dealt with life. I have to say...they don't make things like they used to. 41 years ago, marriages were built to last. They were made to withstand the wear and tear of every day use. every.single.day.
I am sad that I may never have a 41st anniversary...or a 12th or even another 1st. I am also angry. I guess that K and I didn't read the same instruction manual when we got married. I have to say that I think that the manual evolves as the marriage evolves. I feel that I kept my manual current, but K's may have last been updated back when wives actually did "obey" and "submit" to their husbands. I hate that I was not able to be that wife for him, but I just can not obey rules that I don't feel are good or fair or followed by everyone. Unfortunately, being the rule breaker that I am hasn't earned me a trip to the principal's office and detention...it's a been a trip to the lawyer and a date with a judge. ugh. double ugh.
I thank my parents for keeping their manuals up to date. They love each other almost always...there are still days when they anger and annoy each other to no end, but their anger and annoyance does end and their love ALWAYS finds its way back home.
Back in 1968 my mom went in search of a frog for her roommate and what she found was her prince...my dad. I love you guys. I pray that you have many, many, many more anniversaries to celebrate.
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