Blessings

Jesus loves me, this I know....not just because the Bible tells me so, but because He actually shows me His love in so many, many ways. I am a blessed woman, even in this undeniably difficult, hard, really crappy time, I am blessed.

I had thought differently at the start of my ordeal. I mentioned this to my pastor and even to a couple of friends...maybe even here?...that I wondered if I had used up all of my blessings from God. I have lived such a good life. I did well in school, have had terrific friends, my family is the best, I got into the schools that I wanted to get into, I met and married the man of my dreams, I got jobs handed to me, I have the most amazing children, I was secure financially, I'm funny....you know...all of the really good things in life seemed to happen to me and then...it all fell apart. Was God punishing me for not devoting more of my life to Him? Was there something that I did that displeased Him and this was His way of getting back at me? Did I literally use up all of my blessings by the age of 34? I really struggled with this thinking. That devil, he is a sneaky bugger. I know that God would never punish me in this way and I get a bit angry at K for making me doubt the Lord's love and devotion for me.

My pastor and I have discussed this subject on more than one occasion. He is a good guy, but darn if he isn't very blunt and to the point. He often says the things that I need to hear, but don't want to hear at all. That's the problem with the truth...sometimes it hurts. He does not believe that God put me on this path. He said that God doesn't want us to be miserable and if He did, He wouldn't be the God that we worship. He said that K is the one that put us on this path, but God is with us. He is by our side thru every up and down, twist and turn, and He will NEVER leave us. His love does not have conditions. That is the truth...the plain and simple Truth. My way of thinking has been changed and my eyes have been opened to the amazing blessings that my Father is bestowing upon us in this worst of times. Some days my blessings are small, some days they are huge, but they are continually flowing. I am smart and healthy. My kids are healthy and the absolute light of my life. I still have the best family and my friends are steadfast and true. Jobs still fall into my lap and I can still smile and make people laugh....good things happen to me. I have a home...it doesn't get much bigger than that.

I told Pastor A one day that I laugh because many times throughout this, when I open my Bible, it falls to the Book of Job. I laugh because I AM SO NOT JOB!!! He laughed too, and said that he thinks I am more of a Joseph. Interesting. Joseph took the high road with his brothers. He could have gotten even with them, he could have chosen to seek vengeance, but he forgave. I have no desire to bad mouth my husband. I love him to this day. Most of the time, I don't know why I love him like I do, but I love him none the less. I believe that I am being blessed for being true to the vows that I spoke 11 years ago.

Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good...Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. Genesis 50: 19-21

I feel the power of this passage. I feel the prayers that my friends, family and strangers have been praying for my family. I feel provided for. I feel the cloud of uncertainty slowly dissipating. I will be okay. I am blessed.