my boys.

Oh my....I love these boys. I simply can not imagine my life without these hooligans. When I was carrying them in my womb, I questioned God almost daily if He really knew what He was doing. He has a lot more faith in my abilities as a mother than I do. Being their mom is the hardest job I've ever had. Ellie was and is so much easier to understand...she's a girl and I'm a girl and that's pretty much it. The boys are boys and I'm a girl and I pretty much don't know anything about them. Boys are different than girls...a duh!...but seriously...SO DIFFERENT!! They make every day an adventure and some days I wish that I could just be an observer and not a partaker in their adventure....

There are two of them. TWO...always...forever!! Hooray!! The above pictures (taken my our sweet Emy,dear) capture each boy in his strongest personality. People always ask about how different their personalities are. They are really quite similar, it all just depends on the day, hour, minute to be exact. Nate has always been the more laid back guy and Zak has always been a bit more, let's just say, demanding. Funny how they got the personality of the parent that they most resemble!

These past months have been hard on these angels. I am so thankful that they are only 3. But even at "only 3", they have seen and heard much more than their little minds can comprehend. They are so protective of me and of Ella. They don't like to be away from either of us. While that makes me feel so very loved and special, it makes going to work (or any where else alone, for that matter) very difficult. They know exactly how to play me and I hoping that the many, many Dr. Dobson books that my mom is touting, help me to become the "Boss of Them". I definitely was NOT the disciplinarian of the family. That's coming back to bite my in the tush-tush. Yay me...

I pray for them a lot. I pray that I don't screw them up. I pray that they grow up to be men of faith. I pray that go to bed without a hassle every night. I pray that they stop peeing their pants...in the bathroom...in front of the toilet.

These kooky kids say the funniest stuff. Today Zak and Nate "helped" me clean the basement. Afterward, Nater and I were sitting on the couch and Zak was standing by the coffee table with something that he was going to roll. He said, "Hey, Nate. Come here. I need another "man" for my game." Ha!! My men. Nathan just says really profound stuff like..."Mom, I jus pee in my pants in the bathroom in front of the toilet." and the likes of that. Mostly, they just say cute stuff like, "You da best momma" and "I lubs yas so much" and "You are so smart and skinny and funny and smokin hot mom." Seriously. They say all that stuff.

I am doing the best that I can. The other day I told Zak that I loved him and he, in turn, said that he, too, loved me. I then asked him if he knew what "Love" was. His answer...."God." Wow. I think I am doing a good job.

be still my heart

Nathan and I had a conversation several weeks ago that I have been meaning to write about. It went something along the lines of this....

Nate: Momma, I just lubs ya so much. You my best frien.

Me: I love you too, Nathan. You're my best Nate.

the conversation could have ended here and my heart would have been full and right for a long time...but it continued

Nate: I just lubs my kitty cat blanket and I just lubs that chair....

and here I thought that I was special...

Nate: an I lubs this truck and this book...

then it happened...

Nate: and I just lubs yer blue eyes Momma. Dey blue like my flib flops. Dey are bootiful.

Me: (speechless....)

have you ever heard more poetic words in your life? I am smitten with that boy. he sure has a way with words.....

untitled

I have been struggling with a title for this post...

Ode to the man I love? loved? am supposed to love?
A statement to the man that I am still married to?
An open letter to the guy that I thought was my one and only?

I chose not to go with an "Ode to..." well because I think that an ode to someone is an honor. I looked it up...it is an honor. Soooo, probably not what I am going for. The other's, well, they just seemed a bit long. Untitled it is.

My love is changing. That makes me feel so many things. Not all of them pleasant. It makes me sad. We have been in this predicament for just over 4 months...most days it seems like for ever, some moments still feel like yesterday. In that 4 months we have reconciled once for about 78 minutes, counseled together once with our pastor and twice with my therapist, had many deep conversations, I have moved myself and our children twice, I have gotten a job, I have been in therapy once a week, I have found new daycare for our children, I have been learning about the speed of our legal system, I have prayed a million prayers and wept even more tears, I have hugged and comforted our children and tried to explain things that I don't understand myself, and I have felt the indescribable love of my Father, my family and my friends. I don't know what is going on in my husband's life, so I can not comment on it, other than to say....from the outside, I don't think that it has changed much and now that he has delivered our Fletchy dog to us, he only has himself to take care of. I am trying so hard not to judge. SO HARD...

The opening line of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem How Do I Love Thee? is "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." I loved K with my everything. It brings me to tears now to think that I could have been so blind, stupid, naive, clueless, wrong, desperate.....gee let me count the ways I can put myself down!... I never, ever questioned my love for him because I never questioned his love for me. I don't understand. Plain and simple...I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! The logic in me is running around with her head cut off...but my heart and the rest of my mind believe that I am not suppose to understand and that I may never truly "get" why this happened to me. My therapist (remember, I'm the one that's messed up and needs weekly talks with professionals) agrees that I am not supposed to understand because if I understood, then I would be thinking like him and that's probably not the best thing. I am thinking that all of this crappy craziness has a purpose...I pray that it's sole purpose is not that when people think that their life sucks, someone says "Hey...you think you got it bad? At least you're not Kara K...that girl has a freaking mess on her hands!" I don't like to win the suckiest life contest. I hope that it's more of a "That Kara K, man, she had it REALLY bad for a while, but look at how she has come thru it. Her head held high, her faith unhidden, her children loved to the moon and back, surrounded by so MANY amazing friends and family. She really took something crappy and made a wonderful life and testimony out of it." Admiration is not something that I am looking for here. I don't think that it is necessarily admirable to do something that has to be done. People have often said that they admire me for how well I do with the twins and E in church, at the museum, park etc. but I am simply being their mother. Taking care of my children is my job. I feel silly when they say that because if they knew what was going on in my head, it sure wouldn't be admiration that they were feeling!! They'd probably be calling CPS on me!

Oops...this is supposed to be about my husband and my "love" for him... I wonder if he can feel my love leaving him? I couldn't feel his leaving me, but when it was gone, it.was.gone. I could feel that and I pray that no one ever has to feel that too. I wonder how it will feel for him. He's had this power over me for so long...I actually asked him one night what it felt like to own someone. He didn't really get the question...but that is what I have felt like...I was owned by him. I would have done anything in this world to make him happy. Anything. I would have given up everything and everyone for him. I am quite embarrassed to admit that. How pathetic it sounds. I am starting to take that power away from him. That feels good. I can tell you that throughout this whole ordeal, I don't think that I have raised my voice in anger to him once. I have been too afraid of the consequences. My anger is coming...my therapist calls it "positive anger"...not the "I'm going to get revenge on you if it's the last thing I do" anger, but the "You kinda suck, and you really don't deserve me because I rock" anger. I'm not really the revenge kind of girl....I guess he should be thankful for that!

I think about him less and less each week. He doesn't consume my days or my nights. (I thank Tylenol PM for that!) It's not hard to speak lovingly about him to our children. He is their father and they love him and I will never tread on that. I am starting to be able to make light of my situation. I am sarcastic and snarky and I think that people would worry if I was a serious mess all the time....I would worry if I was a serious fun hater all the time. Life is about LIVING and I plan to live mine to it's full potential...because I can. So there.

I'm not sure if it will be a sad or happy day the day that I don't think of him at all. I know that that won't be any time soon. I still pray for him. I want him to have a good life. I want him in our children's lives. I'm gonna be honest when I say that I really don't want him to ever fall in love again....not because I hate him or want him to be miserable, but because I don't ever want him or some other woman to go thru this again. I don't think that he is going to do the work to make the changes he needs to make and that doesn't make for a healthy, happy, strong relationship.

Life goes on. The world will never stop spinning. I have accepted that. It was a hard journey to that word...acceptance. Wow. Do you know what happens after acceptance? Moving forward. It's a daunting task, but I think that I'm up to the challenge. I want to be the loser of the suckiest life contest....

Things that I heard today.....

....and hope to not hear again for some time, preferably never again.

* the alarm clock...oh wait, I'll hear that again in the stinking morning.

* "Mom, I just spilled my pop and it ran like a river, but it's okay, cuz it's was just an assident." Nate...coming out of the living room.

* "Mom, I just stepped in dog poop, but it's okay, cuz it's was just an assident." Zak.....standing on the carpet.

* "Mom, we was just playing like dogs. That's why Fletchy's food is all over the ground. We was just eatin it. It's okay, cuz it was an assident." Nate and Zak....upon being questioned as to why there was an empty container of dog food on the steps and dog food strewn about the patio.

* "Mom, it's okay, cuz it was just an assident that I frew dis branch frew the screen door window. It's okay." Nate....looking at the shattered window like it was no big deal.

* "Mom, the dog just puked." Ella....as she walks out of her bedroom.

I am going to bed and turning off my ears.

Blessings

Jesus loves me, this I know....not just because the Bible tells me so, but because He actually shows me His love in so many, many ways. I am a blessed woman, even in this undeniably difficult, hard, really crappy time, I am blessed.

I had thought differently at the start of my ordeal. I mentioned this to my pastor and even to a couple of friends...maybe even here?...that I wondered if I had used up all of my blessings from God. I have lived such a good life. I did well in school, have had terrific friends, my family is the best, I got into the schools that I wanted to get into, I met and married the man of my dreams, I got jobs handed to me, I have the most amazing children, I was secure financially, I'm funny....you know...all of the really good things in life seemed to happen to me and then...it all fell apart. Was God punishing me for not devoting more of my life to Him? Was there something that I did that displeased Him and this was His way of getting back at me? Did I literally use up all of my blessings by the age of 34? I really struggled with this thinking. That devil, he is a sneaky bugger. I know that God would never punish me in this way and I get a bit angry at K for making me doubt the Lord's love and devotion for me.

My pastor and I have discussed this subject on more than one occasion. He is a good guy, but darn if he isn't very blunt and to the point. He often says the things that I need to hear, but don't want to hear at all. That's the problem with the truth...sometimes it hurts. He does not believe that God put me on this path. He said that God doesn't want us to be miserable and if He did, He wouldn't be the God that we worship. He said that K is the one that put us on this path, but God is with us. He is by our side thru every up and down, twist and turn, and He will NEVER leave us. His love does not have conditions. That is the truth...the plain and simple Truth. My way of thinking has been changed and my eyes have been opened to the amazing blessings that my Father is bestowing upon us in this worst of times. Some days my blessings are small, some days they are huge, but they are continually flowing. I am smart and healthy. My kids are healthy and the absolute light of my life. I still have the best family and my friends are steadfast and true. Jobs still fall into my lap and I can still smile and make people laugh....good things happen to me. I have a home...it doesn't get much bigger than that.

I told Pastor A one day that I laugh because many times throughout this, when I open my Bible, it falls to the Book of Job. I laugh because I AM SO NOT JOB!!! He laughed too, and said that he thinks I am more of a Joseph. Interesting. Joseph took the high road with his brothers. He could have gotten even with them, he could have chosen to seek vengeance, but he forgave. I have no desire to bad mouth my husband. I love him to this day. Most of the time, I don't know why I love him like I do, but I love him none the less. I believe that I am being blessed for being true to the vows that I spoke 11 years ago.

Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good...Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. Genesis 50: 19-21

I feel the power of this passage. I feel the prayers that my friends, family and strangers have been praying for my family. I feel provided for. I feel the cloud of uncertainty slowly dissipating. I will be okay. I am blessed.

The next chapter.....

As I opened the Book of Me this weekend, I came to the end of a chapter. I turned the page to start the next chapter and the pages were blank....the rest of the book was blank. I was so confused and sad. My life had been laid out for me. I was K's wife. I was E, N and Z's mom. I had purpose and direction. I knew what was expected of me and how I was going to accomplish my deeds. Maybe a little boring, but I'd choose boring over terrifying any day.

This next chapter is blank...I HAVE to be the one that puts the pen to page. No one is going to write this for me, no matter how much I pray for that to happen. I am undoubtedly scared by the prospect of writing my own story, but I am also a tiny bit excited. Being told how your life will be lived, albeit safe and secure, is a bit boring. I AM NOT BORING! I am alive. I am loved. I am worthy. I am strong. I am smart. I am a good person. I will not be dictated.

I have a feeling that this next chapter will be thrilling. I am sure that there will be hard, sad, uncertain and scary parts to this stroy, but it will be all of my own making. The author of my own story...a position I will accept.

I pray that I am able to do this all on my own. I have the best family and friends on the earth. How did I get so lucky? As I look back in the Book of Me, I see why. I have tried to live my life according to God's plan. I did the right things (most of the time) and followed along when I was supposed to, was a leader when I was needed to lead and didn't question my path. I guess that last one isn't true. It was when I started to question my path/postion that my troubles began. Apparently when your questions have merit and substance, they cause problems. Problems that some would rather just prefer went away. I became the problem and I was dealt with. Now the problem is gone, but I foresee many, MANY more problems in the future because I am gone. I guess that is fortunate for me....I no longer have to worry about or deal with the problems that arise. Sadly, the problem solver in me wants to be there to help. WHY? I don't know. I honestly don't know. Maybe because I love the man that disposed of our family? Maybe because I love the life that we led? Maybe because I loved almost everything about my life and felt that if problems were faced head on and actually dealt with that my life would have been grand? I guess that those are the questions that will never have the right answers.

I have never claimed to have had it all together, in fact I don't think that I have even a little bit of it together, but if you stick around, I promise to make it worth your while. It is sure to be and interesting read....this next chapter of ME.

H O M E

HOME. 4 letters. 1 word. How could they possibly mean so much? Home is so much more than a house, than it's 4 walls...

A home starts with it's foundation. A firm foundation. It's like the Bible says...the wise man built his house upon the rock and the foolish man, his house on the sinking sand. (Matthew 7:24-27) A house built upon Jesus' love will stand strong in life's unrelenting storms.

A home does have 4 walls. It's what happens within those 4 walls that makes a house a home. Is there life? Is there love? Is there laughter? Is there commitment? Is there family? Is there compromise? Is there warmth? Is there compassion? Is there friendship? Is there fellowship? Is there devotion? Is Jesus there? These among so many others are what makes a house a home. A home is surrounded in love...the love of family and God's all encompassing love.

A home has a roof. The roof doesn't allow the sky to fall in on a home. There are days when we all feel like the world is closing in on us...but when inside our home, we feel safe...we feel secure...we feel covered. Just as God's strong hands shelter and hold us in our darkest hours.

A home has windows. Windows that allow the warmth and light from the sun to shine in on you. Windows that let in the cool summer breezes pass thru. Windows that give sight out to the children playing and to the beauty of the blooming flowers. Windows that keep the cold winter wind out. Windows that keep the driving rain away. Windows that keep the fiercest of storms at bay. Trusting in the Holy Spirit is like looking thru a window...He allows the good and beautiful in and keeps the bad at a distance. He lets us see and even feel the ick in the world to remind us that we are the ones that have to make the decision to close the window or to leave it open. We have all forgotten to close the windows during a storm....

A home has a door. In a house, the door lets people in and out. In a home, the door is a beckoning call. A warm welcoming into a place of comfort and joy. In a home the door is always open to friends and family. It opens to a stranger in need and opens again to guests as they come to share in the company that a home provides. Jesus always opens his door....Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7


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This week, I will be moving my kids from the only home that they have ever known. We have been living in an apartment since March, but this is so much different. The movers are coming to MOVE our possessions out of our HOME. The house that they have called home for their entire lives will forever be different. Their stuff won't be there anymore. I am so scared for this to happen. Kids are all about their things and when they go to their dad's most of their "stuffs" won't be there anymore. I can't imaging how hard that is going to be on them. I DO know how hard it has been on me. Packing the past 10 years in to boxes is beyond heartbreaking. Beyond pain that I thought possible. Beyond what I thought God would allow. God did not make this happen to me and I know that He is with me...sometimes the road get very hard to navigate. My sweet EJ is having a tough time...to say the least. I have told her that her white house will always be her home. Her daddy will be there forever. BUT where ever we are together, we will be home. I pray that she one day is able to forgive us for all that we are putting her thru...to forgive me for not being strong enough not to cry in front of her or play with her enough, and Kev for putting us on this unintended journey.

Our home had a foundation built over 100 years ago, 4 beautiful walls, a strong roof, many windows with incredible views, and an open door. We were incredibly blessed to have lived in the family home. It was and is a stately home with a great history. Our children were blessed to have a huge yard, a pool, and a basketball court. We were also blessed (cursed?) to have family right.there.next.to.us.

Was our home perfect? NO! Our home was lived in and loved in. Could it have been cleaner? Yes. Could it have been quieter? Yes. Could we have let God in more? Yes. Could we have righted wrongs? Yes. Could we have changed behaviors? Yes. Could we have been given a chance? No. That is what makes it more of just a house to me right now. We were never given the chance to save our home. While that is a great loss to me and the kids, I believe that it will be a bigger loss to my husband. God Bless our new home and all who enter it...you will be welcomed with open arms.