this is so not funny.....

ok....so 2010 has really, really sucked. Up until February 2010, I have led an incredibly blessed life. I have a great family, children that I adore and a husband that worked hard so that I could stay at home with our precious kids and that loved me more than I could have ever imagined possible....that is until February 6th when he decided that he no longer loved me. This is so hard to write. I will spare all of the horrid details, but he is not the man that I fell in love with 13 years ago. He just decided that this wasn't what he wanted for his life. I guess that his job is too stressful and his family life is too stressful and in order for him to survive he had to give up one of them....unfortunately, he gave up our family. This was a complete and utter shock to me. Blindsided. Sideswiped. Sucker punched. I did not see this coming...at all. Sure we had our problems, but what marriage doesn't? Our marriage was not perfect. I was not the perfect wife, nor was Kevin the perfect husband, but I love him in spite of his faults, failures and quirks. Unconditionally.

I have been lost and broken. What did I do wrong? What could I do to fix things? What was happening to my life? How could this happen to US? We had everything....great jobs, great kids, great home, great love, great families, great friends...nary a worry in the world....except for the one that my husband forgot to share with me...he wasn't happy with any of it....apparently for some time. WOW, this was news to me. We have always been a couple that has shared everything. I never held my emotions or feelings back. I shared because that is how you deal with your concerns and embrace your joys. That is part of my problem, I never withheld anything, good OR bad. That's why I loved Kevin so much, he was always there for me, the only man that I have ever loved, the man that knew everything about me and still loved me. I am so devastated and heartbroken and tired. So very heartbroken.

Why? The seemingly unanswerable question. We went to one counselling session with our pastor and we went to my counselor together twice. He has not allowed me to go with him to his counselor. Apparently to work on your marriage, you have to do it alone and not talk about your wife much. That's how he was saving our marriage and family. I have never been given the chance to make changes, to right my wrongs, to learn how to be the wife that he needed me to be.

April 6th, two months to the day of our separation, he served me with divorce papers. I honestly didn't think that my heart could feel any more pain. That was the worst feeling I have ever felt. My life was over. He handed me papers, held me while I cried and then walked out of our life. No emotion. Not a single tear. The same emotion that he has displayed the entire course of this ordeal....nothing. How could 13 years not even garner some sort of sadness? I am still hoping that this is the worst dream ever and that I'll wake up soon.

Someone pinch me please.

This is so hard...but I am not alone. My God has been with me every step of the way. He has given me a strength that I did not know I possessed. There is absolutely no way that I would be surviving this without Him. I know that He is not doing this to me and my children. He is not running around wondering what to do next. He is not trying to figure out Plan B. He has a plan for our life...a life that is not filled with pain and misery...a life that is filled with happiness and love. It is the life that we deserve...I am sad because it was the life that I thought that we had. I hate the past tense...was, were, had, loved....I want to live in the present. I wish that it wasn't so hard.

I have prayed for God would take my love for Kevin away so that I could move past him and our life together...but He won't and that is where I am stuck. Moving past the last 13 years is not easy... or at least not as easy of a time as Kevin seems to having. That is the way that I am seeing it. To me it seems that while my life as come to a stand still, Kevin's is moving right along. He goes to work, comes home to our home, swims a few laps in our pool, grills a steak and goes to bed. A tough life. I'm sure that it is not all roses for him, but it is not at all what we are going thru. It was HIS decision to leave us. It was HE that decided not to give our family a chance. It is by HIS choice that we are experiencing great pain.

This is not a place that I ever thought that I would find myself. I would have lived the rest of my life trying to make Kevin happy. BUT I couldn't make him happy if he didn't want to be. I personally don't think that the life he has chosen is what will make him happy. All I know it that I am still a blessed woman...I am still a loved woman....I still deserve good things. God has a plan for me...