The next chapter.....

As I opened the Book of Me this weekend, I came to the end of a chapter. I turned the page to start the next chapter and the pages were blank....the rest of the book was blank. I was so confused and sad. My life had been laid out for me. I was K's wife. I was E, N and Z's mom. I had purpose and direction. I knew what was expected of me and how I was going to accomplish my deeds. Maybe a little boring, but I'd choose boring over terrifying any day.

This next chapter is blank...I HAVE to be the one that puts the pen to page. No one is going to write this for me, no matter how much I pray for that to happen. I am undoubtedly scared by the prospect of writing my own story, but I am also a tiny bit excited. Being told how your life will be lived, albeit safe and secure, is a bit boring. I AM NOT BORING! I am alive. I am loved. I am worthy. I am strong. I am smart. I am a good person. I will not be dictated.

I have a feeling that this next chapter will be thrilling. I am sure that there will be hard, sad, uncertain and scary parts to this stroy, but it will be all of my own making. The author of my own story...a position I will accept.

I pray that I am able to do this all on my own. I have the best family and friends on the earth. How did I get so lucky? As I look back in the Book of Me, I see why. I have tried to live my life according to God's plan. I did the right things (most of the time) and followed along when I was supposed to, was a leader when I was needed to lead and didn't question my path. I guess that last one isn't true. It was when I started to question my path/postion that my troubles began. Apparently when your questions have merit and substance, they cause problems. Problems that some would rather just prefer went away. I became the problem and I was dealt with. Now the problem is gone, but I foresee many, MANY more problems in the future because I am gone. I guess that is fortunate for me....I no longer have to worry about or deal with the problems that arise. Sadly, the problem solver in me wants to be there to help. WHY? I don't know. I honestly don't know. Maybe because I love the man that disposed of our family? Maybe because I love the life that we led? Maybe because I loved almost everything about my life and felt that if problems were faced head on and actually dealt with that my life would have been grand? I guess that those are the questions that will never have the right answers.

I have never claimed to have had it all together, in fact I don't think that I have even a little bit of it together, but if you stick around, I promise to make it worth your while. It is sure to be and interesting read....this next chapter of ME.