As I opened the Book of Me this weekend, I came to the end of a chapter. I turned the page to start the next chapter and the pages were blank....the rest of the book was blank. I was so confused and sad. My life had been laid out for me. I was K's wife. I was E, N and Z's mom. I had purpose and direction. I knew what was expected of me and how I was going to accomplish my deeds. Maybe a little boring, but I'd choose boring over terrifying any day.
This next chapter is blank...I HAVE to be the one that puts the pen to page. No one is going to write this for me, no matter how much I pray for that to happen. I am undoubtedly scared by the prospect of writing my own story, but I am also a tiny bit excited. Being told how your life will be lived, albeit safe and secure, is a bit boring. I AM NOT BORING! I am alive. I am loved. I am worthy. I am strong. I am smart. I am a good person. I will not be dictated.
I have a feeling that this next chapter will be thrilling. I am sure that there will be hard, sad, uncertain and scary parts to this stroy, but it will be all of my own making. The author of my own story...a position I will accept.
I pray that I am able to do this all on my own. I have the best family and friends on the earth. How did I get so lucky? As I look back in the Book of Me, I see why. I have tried to live my life according to God's plan. I did the right things (most of the time) and followed along when I was supposed to, was a leader when I was needed to lead and didn't question my path. I guess that last one isn't true. It was when I started to question my path/postion that my troubles began. Apparently when your questions have merit and substance, they cause problems. Problems that some would rather just prefer went away. I became the problem and I was dealt with. Now the problem is gone, but I foresee many, MANY more problems in the future because I am gone. I guess that is fortunate for me....I no longer have to worry about or deal with the problems that arise. Sadly, the problem solver in me wants to be there to help. WHY? I don't know. I honestly don't know. Maybe because I love the man that disposed of our family? Maybe because I love the life that we led? Maybe because I loved almost everything about my life and felt that if problems were faced head on and actually dealt with that my life would have been grand? I guess that those are the questions that will never have the right answers.
I have never claimed to have had it all together, in fact I don't think that I have even a little bit of it together, but if you stick around, I promise to make it worth your while. It is sure to be and interesting read....this next chapter of ME.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
H O M E
HOME. 4 letters. 1 word. How could they possibly mean so much? Home is so much more than a house, than it's 4 walls...
A home starts with it's foundation. A firm foundation. It's like the Bible says...the wise man built his house upon the rock and the foolish man, his house on the sinking sand. (Matthew 7:24-27) A house built upon Jesus' love will stand strong in life's unrelenting storms.
A home does have 4 walls. It's what happens within those 4 walls that makes a house a home. Is there life? Is there love? Is there laughter? Is there commitment? Is there family? Is there compromise? Is there warmth? Is there compassion? Is there friendship? Is there fellowship? Is there devotion? Is Jesus there? These among so many others are what makes a house a home. A home is surrounded in love...the love of family and God's all encompassing love.
A home has a roof. The roof doesn't allow the sky to fall in on a home. There are days when we all feel like the world is closing in on us...but when inside our home, we feel safe...we feel secure...we feel covered. Just as God's strong hands shelter and hold us in our darkest hours.
A home has windows. Windows that allow the warmth and light from the sun to shine in on you. Windows that let in the cool summer breezes pass thru. Windows that give sight out to the children playing and to the beauty of the blooming flowers. Windows that keep the cold winter wind out. Windows that keep the driving rain away. Windows that keep the fiercest of storms at bay. Trusting in the Holy Spirit is like looking thru a window...He allows the good and beautiful in and keeps the bad at a distance. He lets us see and even feel the ick in the world to remind us that we are the ones that have to make the decision to close the window or to leave it open. We have all forgotten to close the windows during a storm....
A home has a door. In a house, the door lets people in and out. In a home, the door is a beckoning call. A warm welcoming into a place of comfort and joy. In a home the door is always open to friends and family. It opens to a stranger in need and opens again to guests as they come to share in the company that a home provides. Jesus always opens his door....Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
This week, I will be moving my kids from the only home that they have ever known. We have been living in an apartment since March, but this is so much different. The movers are coming to MOVE our possessions out of our HOME. The house that they have called home for their entire lives will forever be different. Their stuff won't be there anymore. I am so scared for this to happen. Kids are all about their things and when they go to their dad's most of their "stuffs" won't be there anymore. I can't imaging how hard that is going to be on them. I DO know how hard it has been on me. Packing the past 10 years in to boxes is beyond heartbreaking. Beyond pain that I thought possible. Beyond what I thought God would allow. God did not make this happen to me and I know that He is with me...sometimes the road get very hard to navigate. My sweet EJ is having a tough time...to say the least. I have told her that her white house will always be her home. Her daddy will be there forever. BUT where ever we are together, we will be home. I pray that she one day is able to forgive us for all that we are putting her thru...to forgive me for not being strong enough not to cry in front of her or play with her enough, and Kev for putting us on this unintended journey.
Our home had a foundation built over 100 years ago, 4 beautiful walls, a strong roof, many windows with incredible views, and an open door. We were incredibly blessed to have lived in the family home. It was and is a stately home with a great history. Our children were blessed to have a huge yard, a pool, and a basketball court. We were also blessed (cursed?) to have family right.there.next.to.us.
Was our home perfect? NO! Our home was lived in and loved in. Could it have been cleaner? Yes. Could it have been quieter? Yes. Could we have let God in more? Yes. Could we have righted wrongs? Yes. Could we have changed behaviors? Yes. Could we have been given a chance? No. That is what makes it more of just a house to me right now. We were never given the chance to save our home. While that is a great loss to me and the kids, I believe that it will be a bigger loss to my husband. God Bless our new home and all who enter it...you will be welcomed with open arms.
A home starts with it's foundation. A firm foundation. It's like the Bible says...the wise man built his house upon the rock and the foolish man, his house on the sinking sand. (Matthew 7:24-27) A house built upon Jesus' love will stand strong in life's unrelenting storms.
A home does have 4 walls. It's what happens within those 4 walls that makes a house a home. Is there life? Is there love? Is there laughter? Is there commitment? Is there family? Is there compromise? Is there warmth? Is there compassion? Is there friendship? Is there fellowship? Is there devotion? Is Jesus there? These among so many others are what makes a house a home. A home is surrounded in love...the love of family and God's all encompassing love.
A home has a roof. The roof doesn't allow the sky to fall in on a home. There are days when we all feel like the world is closing in on us...but when inside our home, we feel safe...we feel secure...we feel covered. Just as God's strong hands shelter and hold us in our darkest hours.
A home has windows. Windows that allow the warmth and light from the sun to shine in on you. Windows that let in the cool summer breezes pass thru. Windows that give sight out to the children playing and to the beauty of the blooming flowers. Windows that keep the cold winter wind out. Windows that keep the driving rain away. Windows that keep the fiercest of storms at bay. Trusting in the Holy Spirit is like looking thru a window...He allows the good and beautiful in and keeps the bad at a distance. He lets us see and even feel the ick in the world to remind us that we are the ones that have to make the decision to close the window or to leave it open. We have all forgotten to close the windows during a storm....
A home has a door. In a house, the door lets people in and out. In a home, the door is a beckoning call. A warm welcoming into a place of comfort and joy. In a home the door is always open to friends and family. It opens to a stranger in need and opens again to guests as they come to share in the company that a home provides. Jesus always opens his door....Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
This week, I will be moving my kids from the only home that they have ever known. We have been living in an apartment since March, but this is so much different. The movers are coming to MOVE our possessions out of our HOME. The house that they have called home for their entire lives will forever be different. Their stuff won't be there anymore. I am so scared for this to happen. Kids are all about their things and when they go to their dad's most of their "stuffs" won't be there anymore. I can't imaging how hard that is going to be on them. I DO know how hard it has been on me. Packing the past 10 years in to boxes is beyond heartbreaking. Beyond pain that I thought possible. Beyond what I thought God would allow. God did not make this happen to me and I know that He is with me...sometimes the road get very hard to navigate. My sweet EJ is having a tough time...to say the least. I have told her that her white house will always be her home. Her daddy will be there forever. BUT where ever we are together, we will be home. I pray that she one day is able to forgive us for all that we are putting her thru...to forgive me for not being strong enough not to cry in front of her or play with her enough, and Kev for putting us on this unintended journey.
Our home had a foundation built over 100 years ago, 4 beautiful walls, a strong roof, many windows with incredible views, and an open door. We were incredibly blessed to have lived in the family home. It was and is a stately home with a great history. Our children were blessed to have a huge yard, a pool, and a basketball court. We were also blessed (cursed?) to have family right.there.next.to.us.
Was our home perfect? NO! Our home was lived in and loved in. Could it have been cleaner? Yes. Could it have been quieter? Yes. Could we have let God in more? Yes. Could we have righted wrongs? Yes. Could we have changed behaviors? Yes. Could we have been given a chance? No. That is what makes it more of just a house to me right now. We were never given the chance to save our home. While that is a great loss to me and the kids, I believe that it will be a bigger loss to my husband. God Bless our new home and all who enter it...you will be welcomed with open arms.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Motherhood.
So I'm driving down the road one week ago....you know on the way to my new temporary housing from my home of the past 10 years, with a load of my yet to be planted pots and outdoor pretties....and I hear a message on the radio. Ugh...Christian Radio...Why must you be so pertinent? They were talking about helping out a struggling single mother for Mother's Day and BOOM it hit me.
I'm a single mother.
Yep, that's me. Single mother. I couldn't stop the tears from coming or the hurt or the sadness or the fear. What am I going to do? Seriously. What am I going to do? How am I going to raise these wonderfully delightful children on my own? I know that I am not truly alone, but I am sooo alone. I love my children beyond my imagination, but this is scary stuff. Their dad loves them, of this I have no doubts, but he has now become "fun dad" and I have become the "one that makes us clean up, practice up, sit up, zip up, brush up, wash up, homework up, play nice up, eat that up, stop that up, no biting/hitting/pinching/licking your brother/sister up, please sleep up, don't make me come in there up, if you get out of bed again, I'm going to have to spank you up, 1....2....3....now I have to spank up, Lord, please help me up mom." Fair? I don't think so, but again none of this is fair. I did not choose this, but I will do everything in my power to make the best of it. How can I not? I have the 3 most precious souls to protect. I have to teach them about overcoming hardship. I have to show them the high road...the value of a dollar...the meaning of a promise kept. God has given me the strength to hold my head high when it would have been so easy (and to be honest, gratifying) to stoop very low.
I am so blessed to have had the two best parents in the world as my mom and dad. They were strict but fun, hard yet soft, human and hero. They love each other and never kept that a secret. It is so easy to know love when you are shown love. They have values and they didn't compromise them to be cool....which in turn made them very uncool some days. They love God and He was always present in our home. Trust and respect were not a given, they were earned. My sister and I had to fight our own fights and find solutions to our problems. We were given life lessons and skills that have served us well as we became adults, spouses, and parents. Growing up in the Anderson household wasn't always the easiest, but I can't imagine where I'd be today if I hadn't. I pray that I am able to give these gifts to my children.
Ellie is sad that I won't be getting any "gifts" this Mother's Day. I told her that I didn't want anything, because I already have every thing that I need. She is a bit skeptical about that. She did write me a poem. And she tells me every day that she loves me. The boys are amazing. I can't tell you the feeling I get when I hear an unsolicited "you da best mommy ever" "i just wuv you so much momma" from 3 year olds. Their wet kisses and neck crushing hugs are priceless. I feel that they know and show love because it was in our home. We never shied away from saying "I love you" to one another. Hugging and kissing was common place. I wasn't faking it or putting on a show for my children...I don't believe that Kevin was either. All I know is that I have the greatest gifts on earth....the love of my children and God's everlasting and forgiving love. My heart, albeit broken and weary, is filled with their love on this Mother's Day.
I'm a single mother.
Yep, that's me. Single mother. I couldn't stop the tears from coming or the hurt or the sadness or the fear. What am I going to do? Seriously. What am I going to do? How am I going to raise these wonderfully delightful children on my own? I know that I am not truly alone, but I am sooo alone. I love my children beyond my imagination, but this is scary stuff. Their dad loves them, of this I have no doubts, but he has now become "fun dad" and I have become the "one that makes us clean up, practice up, sit up, zip up, brush up, wash up, homework up, play nice up, eat that up, stop that up, no biting/hitting/pinching/licking your brother/sister up, please sleep up, don't make me come in there up, if you get out of bed again, I'm going to have to spank you up, 1....2....3....now I have to spank up, Lord, please help me up mom." Fair? I don't think so, but again none of this is fair. I did not choose this, but I will do everything in my power to make the best of it. How can I not? I have the 3 most precious souls to protect. I have to teach them about overcoming hardship. I have to show them the high road...the value of a dollar...the meaning of a promise kept. God has given me the strength to hold my head high when it would have been so easy (and to be honest, gratifying) to stoop very low.
I am so blessed to have had the two best parents in the world as my mom and dad. They were strict but fun, hard yet soft, human and hero. They love each other and never kept that a secret. It is so easy to know love when you are shown love. They have values and they didn't compromise them to be cool....which in turn made them very uncool some days. They love God and He was always present in our home. Trust and respect were not a given, they were earned. My sister and I had to fight our own fights and find solutions to our problems. We were given life lessons and skills that have served us well as we became adults, spouses, and parents. Growing up in the Anderson household wasn't always the easiest, but I can't imagine where I'd be today if I hadn't. I pray that I am able to give these gifts to my children.
Ellie is sad that I won't be getting any "gifts" this Mother's Day. I told her that I didn't want anything, because I already have every thing that I need. She is a bit skeptical about that. She did write me a poem. And she tells me every day that she loves me. The boys are amazing. I can't tell you the feeling I get when I hear an unsolicited "you da best mommy ever" "i just wuv you so much momma" from 3 year olds. Their wet kisses and neck crushing hugs are priceless. I feel that they know and show love because it was in our home. We never shied away from saying "I love you" to one another. Hugging and kissing was common place. I wasn't faking it or putting on a show for my children...I don't believe that Kevin was either. All I know is that I have the greatest gifts on earth....the love of my children and God's everlasting and forgiving love. My heart, albeit broken and weary, is filled with their love on this Mother's Day.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
this is so not funny.....
ok....so 2010 has really, really sucked. Up until February 2010, I have led an incredibly blessed life. I have a great family, children that I adore and a husband that worked hard so that I could stay at home with our precious kids and that loved me more than I could have ever imagined possible....that is until February 6th when he decided that he no longer loved me. This is so hard to write. I will spare all of the horrid details, but he is not the man that I fell in love with 13 years ago. He just decided that this wasn't what he wanted for his life. I guess that his job is too stressful and his family life is too stressful and in order for him to survive he had to give up one of them....unfortunately, he gave up our family. This was a complete and utter shock to me. Blindsided. Sideswiped. Sucker punched. I did not see this coming...at all. Sure we had our problems, but what marriage doesn't? Our marriage was not perfect. I was not the perfect wife, nor was Kevin the perfect husband, but I love him in spite of his faults, failures and quirks. Unconditionally.
I have been lost and broken. What did I do wrong? What could I do to fix things? What was happening to my life? How could this happen to US? We had everything....great jobs, great kids, great home, great love, great families, great friends...nary a worry in the world....except for the one that my husband forgot to share with me...he wasn't happy with any of it....apparently for some time. WOW, this was news to me. We have always been a couple that has shared everything. I never held my emotions or feelings back. I shared because that is how you deal with your concerns and embrace your joys. That is part of my problem, I never withheld anything, good OR bad. That's why I loved Kevin so much, he was always there for me, the only man that I have ever loved, the man that knew everything about me and still loved me. I am so devastated and heartbroken and tired. So very heartbroken.
Why? The seemingly unanswerable question. We went to one counselling session with our pastor and we went to my counselor together twice. He has not allowed me to go with him to his counselor. Apparently to work on your marriage, you have to do it alone and not talk about your wife much. That's how he was saving our marriage and family. I have never been given the chance to make changes, to right my wrongs, to learn how to be the wife that he needed me to be.
April 6th, two months to the day of our separation, he served me with divorce papers. I honestly didn't think that my heart could feel any more pain. That was the worst feeling I have ever felt. My life was over. He handed me papers, held me while I cried and then walked out of our life. No emotion. Not a single tear. The same emotion that he has displayed the entire course of this ordeal....nothing. How could 13 years not even garner some sort of sadness? I am still hoping that this is the worst dream ever and that I'll wake up soon.
Someone pinch me please.
This is so hard...but I am not alone. My God has been with me every step of the way. He has given me a strength that I did not know I possessed. There is absolutely no way that I would be surviving this without Him. I know that He is not doing this to me and my children. He is not running around wondering what to do next. He is not trying to figure out Plan B. He has a plan for our life...a life that is not filled with pain and misery...a life that is filled with happiness and love. It is the life that we deserve...I am sad because it was the life that I thought that we had. I hate the past tense...was, were, had, loved....I want to live in the present. I wish that it wasn't so hard.
I have prayed for God would take my love for Kevin away so that I could move past him and our life together...but He won't and that is where I am stuck. Moving past the last 13 years is not easy... or at least not as easy of a time as Kevin seems to having. That is the way that I am seeing it. To me it seems that while my life as come to a stand still, Kevin's is moving right along. He goes to work, comes home to our home, swims a few laps in our pool, grills a steak and goes to bed. A tough life. I'm sure that it is not all roses for him, but it is not at all what we are going thru. It was HIS decision to leave us. It was HE that decided not to give our family a chance. It is by HIS choice that we are experiencing great pain.
This is not a place that I ever thought that I would find myself. I would have lived the rest of my life trying to make Kevin happy. BUT I couldn't make him happy if he didn't want to be. I personally don't think that the life he has chosen is what will make him happy. All I know it that I am still a blessed woman...I am still a loved woman....I still deserve good things. God has a plan for me...
I have been lost and broken. What did I do wrong? What could I do to fix things? What was happening to my life? How could this happen to US? We had everything....great jobs, great kids, great home, great love, great families, great friends...nary a worry in the world....except for the one that my husband forgot to share with me...he wasn't happy with any of it....apparently for some time. WOW, this was news to me. We have always been a couple that has shared everything. I never held my emotions or feelings back. I shared because that is how you deal with your concerns and embrace your joys. That is part of my problem, I never withheld anything, good OR bad. That's why I loved Kevin so much, he was always there for me, the only man that I have ever loved, the man that knew everything about me and still loved me. I am so devastated and heartbroken and tired. So very heartbroken.
Why? The seemingly unanswerable question. We went to one counselling session with our pastor and we went to my counselor together twice. He has not allowed me to go with him to his counselor. Apparently to work on your marriage, you have to do it alone and not talk about your wife much. That's how he was saving our marriage and family. I have never been given the chance to make changes, to right my wrongs, to learn how to be the wife that he needed me to be.
April 6th, two months to the day of our separation, he served me with divorce papers. I honestly didn't think that my heart could feel any more pain. That was the worst feeling I have ever felt. My life was over. He handed me papers, held me while I cried and then walked out of our life. No emotion. Not a single tear. The same emotion that he has displayed the entire course of this ordeal....nothing. How could 13 years not even garner some sort of sadness? I am still hoping that this is the worst dream ever and that I'll wake up soon.
Someone pinch me please.
This is so hard...but I am not alone. My God has been with me every step of the way. He has given me a strength that I did not know I possessed. There is absolutely no way that I would be surviving this without Him. I know that He is not doing this to me and my children. He is not running around wondering what to do next. He is not trying to figure out Plan B. He has a plan for our life...a life that is not filled with pain and misery...a life that is filled with happiness and love. It is the life that we deserve...I am sad because it was the life that I thought that we had. I hate the past tense...was, were, had, loved....I want to live in the present. I wish that it wasn't so hard.
I have prayed for God would take my love for Kevin away so that I could move past him and our life together...but He won't and that is where I am stuck. Moving past the last 13 years is not easy... or at least not as easy of a time as Kevin seems to having. That is the way that I am seeing it. To me it seems that while my life as come to a stand still, Kevin's is moving right along. He goes to work, comes home to our home, swims a few laps in our pool, grills a steak and goes to bed. A tough life. I'm sure that it is not all roses for him, but it is not at all what we are going thru. It was HIS decision to leave us. It was HE that decided not to give our family a chance. It is by HIS choice that we are experiencing great pain.
This is not a place that I ever thought that I would find myself. I would have lived the rest of my life trying to make Kevin happy. BUT I couldn't make him happy if he didn't want to be. I personally don't think that the life he has chosen is what will make him happy. All I know it that I am still a blessed woman...I am still a loved woman....I still deserve good things. God has a plan for me...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
