The children played (together! nicely!!), I sat on the swing and read my book (hooray!), Fletchy chewed on a bone (like any good dog would), the sound of other children playing outside filtered in, a lawn mower, some light traffic....all so completely...complete. I thought...if only K were here to witness this perfection. But he is not, nor would he likely ever be. This is his busy time of the year (16hrs days as opposed to 12-14hr days). Even if we were home and together, he would still miss out on this amazing time of family. My heart aches for that, for him. I can not imagine missing this time in our children's lives. They are so so precious and fragile and innocent and smart and funny and and and... I could go on for days about these souls that we created. That God created. I am beyond blessed to be a part of their lives here and wish that their earthly father could/would share in the everyday with them. I am trying not to focus on him though...it is not my loss, but his. His incredibly huge, important, significant loss.
There are so many days that I despise my situation. Then there are days that I am thankful and that is when the guilt sets in. We lived a very good life. But now we are "living" so much more. Living without the fear of his disappointment for being late or the dread of asking permission to do something out of his comfort zone. My husband is not a dictator, by any means, but he likes rigidity and does not like it when things do not go as planned. Three young children does not a rigid schedule make....
That being said, I miss him. I miss my partner. I miss being able to take 15 minutes for myself if I need to. I miss discussing the day to day nothings with my love. I miss just being in his presence...we felt safe there. We felt secure there. We felt grounded there. We also felt a bit stifled and under a thumb there.
Here... We feel freedom. We feel fortunate. We feel blessed. We feel normal. We feel at home. How can that not be a good thing?
We have this outstanding tree in our backyard. My parents hung a swing in it and the kids get so much joy out of it. The boys run and belly into the swing and fly around, running on air. Ella wants to build a tree house in the tree. It would be really cool. Tonight she was standing on the swing in the tree and said "Mom, can you please buy this house? I just love it here." Music to my ears.
Our family....captured by emy.dear.
