untitled

I have been struggling with a title for this post...

Ode to the man I love? loved? am supposed to love?
A statement to the man that I am still married to?
An open letter to the guy that I thought was my one and only?

I chose not to go with an "Ode to..." well because I think that an ode to someone is an honor. I looked it up...it is an honor. Soooo, probably not what I am going for. The other's, well, they just seemed a bit long. Untitled it is.

My love is changing. That makes me feel so many things. Not all of them pleasant. It makes me sad. We have been in this predicament for just over 4 months...most days it seems like for ever, some moments still feel like yesterday. In that 4 months we have reconciled once for about 78 minutes, counseled together once with our pastor and twice with my therapist, had many deep conversations, I have moved myself and our children twice, I have gotten a job, I have been in therapy once a week, I have found new daycare for our children, I have been learning about the speed of our legal system, I have prayed a million prayers and wept even more tears, I have hugged and comforted our children and tried to explain things that I don't understand myself, and I have felt the indescribable love of my Father, my family and my friends. I don't know what is going on in my husband's life, so I can not comment on it, other than to say....from the outside, I don't think that it has changed much and now that he has delivered our Fletchy dog to us, he only has himself to take care of. I am trying so hard not to judge. SO HARD...

The opening line of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem How Do I Love Thee? is "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." I loved K with my everything. It brings me to tears now to think that I could have been so blind, stupid, naive, clueless, wrong, desperate.....gee let me count the ways I can put myself down!... I never, ever questioned my love for him because I never questioned his love for me. I don't understand. Plain and simple...I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! The logic in me is running around with her head cut off...but my heart and the rest of my mind believe that I am not suppose to understand and that I may never truly "get" why this happened to me. My therapist (remember, I'm the one that's messed up and needs weekly talks with professionals) agrees that I am not supposed to understand because if I understood, then I would be thinking like him and that's probably not the best thing. I am thinking that all of this crappy craziness has a purpose...I pray that it's sole purpose is not that when people think that their life sucks, someone says "Hey...you think you got it bad? At least you're not Kara K...that girl has a freaking mess on her hands!" I don't like to win the suckiest life contest. I hope that it's more of a "That Kara K, man, she had it REALLY bad for a while, but look at how she has come thru it. Her head held high, her faith unhidden, her children loved to the moon and back, surrounded by so MANY amazing friends and family. She really took something crappy and made a wonderful life and testimony out of it." Admiration is not something that I am looking for here. I don't think that it is necessarily admirable to do something that has to be done. People have often said that they admire me for how well I do with the twins and E in church, at the museum, park etc. but I am simply being their mother. Taking care of my children is my job. I feel silly when they say that because if they knew what was going on in my head, it sure wouldn't be admiration that they were feeling!! They'd probably be calling CPS on me!

Oops...this is supposed to be about my husband and my "love" for him... I wonder if he can feel my love leaving him? I couldn't feel his leaving me, but when it was gone, it.was.gone. I could feel that and I pray that no one ever has to feel that too. I wonder how it will feel for him. He's had this power over me for so long...I actually asked him one night what it felt like to own someone. He didn't really get the question...but that is what I have felt like...I was owned by him. I would have done anything in this world to make him happy. Anything. I would have given up everything and everyone for him. I am quite embarrassed to admit that. How pathetic it sounds. I am starting to take that power away from him. That feels good. I can tell you that throughout this whole ordeal, I don't think that I have raised my voice in anger to him once. I have been too afraid of the consequences. My anger is coming...my therapist calls it "positive anger"...not the "I'm going to get revenge on you if it's the last thing I do" anger, but the "You kinda suck, and you really don't deserve me because I rock" anger. I'm not really the revenge kind of girl....I guess he should be thankful for that!

I think about him less and less each week. He doesn't consume my days or my nights. (I thank Tylenol PM for that!) It's not hard to speak lovingly about him to our children. He is their father and they love him and I will never tread on that. I am starting to be able to make light of my situation. I am sarcastic and snarky and I think that people would worry if I was a serious mess all the time....I would worry if I was a serious fun hater all the time. Life is about LIVING and I plan to live mine to it's full potential...because I can. So there.

I'm not sure if it will be a sad or happy day the day that I don't think of him at all. I know that that won't be any time soon. I still pray for him. I want him to have a good life. I want him in our children's lives. I'm gonna be honest when I say that I really don't want him to ever fall in love again....not because I hate him or want him to be miserable, but because I don't ever want him or some other woman to go thru this again. I don't think that he is going to do the work to make the changes he needs to make and that doesn't make for a healthy, happy, strong relationship.

Life goes on. The world will never stop spinning. I have accepted that. It was a hard journey to that word...acceptance. Wow. Do you know what happens after acceptance? Moving forward. It's a daunting task, but I think that I'm up to the challenge. I want to be the loser of the suckiest life contest....

Things that I heard today.....

....and hope to not hear again for some time, preferably never again.

* the alarm clock...oh wait, I'll hear that again in the stinking morning.

* "Mom, I just spilled my pop and it ran like a river, but it's okay, cuz it's was just an assident." Nate...coming out of the living room.

* "Mom, I just stepped in dog poop, but it's okay, cuz it's was just an assident." Zak.....standing on the carpet.

* "Mom, we was just playing like dogs. That's why Fletchy's food is all over the ground. We was just eatin it. It's okay, cuz it was an assident." Nate and Zak....upon being questioned as to why there was an empty container of dog food on the steps and dog food strewn about the patio.

* "Mom, it's okay, cuz it was just an assident that I frew dis branch frew the screen door window. It's okay." Nate....looking at the shattered window like it was no big deal.

* "Mom, the dog just puked." Ella....as she walks out of her bedroom.

I am going to bed and turning off my ears.

Blessings

Jesus loves me, this I know....not just because the Bible tells me so, but because He actually shows me His love in so many, many ways. I am a blessed woman, even in this undeniably difficult, hard, really crappy time, I am blessed.

I had thought differently at the start of my ordeal. I mentioned this to my pastor and even to a couple of friends...maybe even here?...that I wondered if I had used up all of my blessings from God. I have lived such a good life. I did well in school, have had terrific friends, my family is the best, I got into the schools that I wanted to get into, I met and married the man of my dreams, I got jobs handed to me, I have the most amazing children, I was secure financially, I'm funny....you know...all of the really good things in life seemed to happen to me and then...it all fell apart. Was God punishing me for not devoting more of my life to Him? Was there something that I did that displeased Him and this was His way of getting back at me? Did I literally use up all of my blessings by the age of 34? I really struggled with this thinking. That devil, he is a sneaky bugger. I know that God would never punish me in this way and I get a bit angry at K for making me doubt the Lord's love and devotion for me.

My pastor and I have discussed this subject on more than one occasion. He is a good guy, but darn if he isn't very blunt and to the point. He often says the things that I need to hear, but don't want to hear at all. That's the problem with the truth...sometimes it hurts. He does not believe that God put me on this path. He said that God doesn't want us to be miserable and if He did, He wouldn't be the God that we worship. He said that K is the one that put us on this path, but God is with us. He is by our side thru every up and down, twist and turn, and He will NEVER leave us. His love does not have conditions. That is the truth...the plain and simple Truth. My way of thinking has been changed and my eyes have been opened to the amazing blessings that my Father is bestowing upon us in this worst of times. Some days my blessings are small, some days they are huge, but they are continually flowing. I am smart and healthy. My kids are healthy and the absolute light of my life. I still have the best family and my friends are steadfast and true. Jobs still fall into my lap and I can still smile and make people laugh....good things happen to me. I have a home...it doesn't get much bigger than that.

I told Pastor A one day that I laugh because many times throughout this, when I open my Bible, it falls to the Book of Job. I laugh because I AM SO NOT JOB!!! He laughed too, and said that he thinks I am more of a Joseph. Interesting. Joseph took the high road with his brothers. He could have gotten even with them, he could have chosen to seek vengeance, but he forgave. I have no desire to bad mouth my husband. I love him to this day. Most of the time, I don't know why I love him like I do, but I love him none the less. I believe that I am being blessed for being true to the vows that I spoke 11 years ago.

Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good...Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. Genesis 50: 19-21

I feel the power of this passage. I feel the prayers that my friends, family and strangers have been praying for my family. I feel provided for. I feel the cloud of uncertainty slowly dissipating. I will be okay. I am blessed.