Spring

Ahhh...the first day of spring. I have always loved this day. It brings hope for so many things...beauty, warmth, new life, no more snow. It's no wonder why I chose this day to be the day that I married the man that I wanted to share the rest of my life with. Our new life together began 12 years ago today on the 1st day of spring 1999. It was a beautiful day, much like today actually. A bit chillier, but still bright and sunny. A day filled with happiness and love. It was such a great feeling to be surrounded by so many people that loved us and celebrated us. It is still so baffling to me that it has all ended.

But, it has and I have to move forward. Unfortunately for me I have two wonderful little souls that make it very hard. Those boys are so gosh darn sweet, most days I can hardly stand it! They love me and are never shy about telling me so. I hope that never changes! The only problem is they also say the most difficult things to hear...they keep asking me when I'm going to marry daddy again, or they start planning adventures for when daddy and I get married again, and why don't I just live with daddy and how I should just go to daddy's and give him a kiss so it will all be better. Those words are like little daggers to my heart! They are so innocent and so young. I wish that I could just take this all away from them.

My poor Ellie is just as innocent. She asks even tougher questions. "Hey Mom...are you and dad divorced yet?" and when I reply "No, not yet.", she is all "Oh good, then there is still time for you to get back together, right?" Then I get to break her heart and quash her hope when I tell her there is no time to stop this. They do not say these things to or ask these questions of their father. So totally unfair!! I don't think that he could answer them or deal with them in a way that his 4 year old sons and 8 year old daughter would understand. He can't answer them in a way that makes me understand either.

When he brought the kids home this afternoon, I looked for the man that I met 14yrs ago...the man that fathered our 3 beautiful children...the man that taught and showed me what true love was...the man that gave me a marriage that I cherished for 10 and 11/12th's years... I didn't see that man today. I will probably never see him again. That is really hard...it's not that I haven't tried to find him, it's hard because I don't think that he wants to be found.

Twelve years ago, I would have never imagined that I'd be in the place I am now. Thankfully, I am not alone. God knows that I took my vows to heart and that I have stayed true to them. He will continue to stand beside me. Today, His love is what I need and it is so amazing to know that He will never falter or leave.

I have had a really hard time the past week or so listening to our local Christian radio station. They have been talking a lot about the Weekend to Remember conference that is coming up. I've had to change the channel b/c it makes me so angry at K. We were supposed to go to that conference last year. We were separated, but I had been hearing about it on the radio and really started to look into it. I really felt that God wanted us to attend that conference. Apparently, my mother in law felt the same way. I had been seriously contemplating it and then K was actually the one that brought it up. His mom had been talking about it with him quite a bit and had convinced him to give it a chance. We were all set to go, but a week before the conference, he had a really, really contrived excuse as to why he couldn't go. I was crushed. The topics of that weekend were meant for us to hear. I couldn't force him to go...just like I couldn't force him to counselling or force him to look me in the eye and tell me why he was doing all of this. He didn't want to do any of these things, so he simply didn't.

I will say that this anniversary was much easier than last year. Last year I still had hope, so I was grieving for the uncertainty that that hope brought. This year is more of just another day. That makes me sad on a day that used to bring so much happiness.