...One Year...

I have waited and dreaded this day for a long, long time. February 6. Two days after Nate and Zak's 3rd birthday...three days after my 34th. It feels like forever and yesterday at the same time. I remember the events that led up to the argument that ended in his telling me that I needed to take the kids and leave. I remember getting in the car and driving away with no idea where I was going and feeling more fear then I have ever felt before. I was crying and Ella said to me "It's okay to cry Mom. I cry sometimes too and I will be here for you." My sweet, innocent child.

My in-law's were in Maui, so we stayed there for the night. We came home the next day to a man that none of us knew. Cold, hard, unfeeling, absolutely no affect. I remember that I sat that in the farthest left hand corner of the couch, while my sister-in-law sat in "my" chair and he in his. Our children were playing quietly upstairs when he told me that he hadn't loved me for 5 years and possibly never at all. He "may" have gotten married out of convenience. I died, but I was still living....

I remember my sister called my mom. She came and I remember telling her that I was going to die. The pain that I felt was immeasurable. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel anything but pain. My heart was literally broken. I couldn't take care of my kids. My mom took the boys home with her, but Ella had to stay with me so she could go to school. It kills me that my 7 yr old witnessed her mother fall apart. I regret not being strong enough to shield her from the heartache and pain.

That was the night that I called out to Jesus. What had I done to deserve this? How could this be happening to me? To us? What could I do to make him love me again? Why Lord? Why? I was a sinner for sure, but I loved my husband and our family more than anything...how could God hate me so much that He would take them away from me? It was that night that I did the scariest thing in my life...I gave my marriage to God. That was the night that I felt a peace in my broken heart that could have been put there only by the Grace of my Father. I have kept that peace throughout this past year. Sure there have been periods of fear, doubt, anger and uncertainty, but through all of those feelings, the peace has remained...God has remained.

Christ showed me that I was not the cause of this situation. There was nothing that I could have done to prevent it and there was nothing that I could do to change the outcome. K was set on divorce and by golly, he was going to get a divorce, no matter the price. It was a miraculous thing for my husband to finally be free of us...his back no longer hurt, he was able to get a good nights sleep, ahhhh...the freedom and the peace and the quiet.

My love for K never wavered. I prayed for God to take my love for him away. It hurt so much to love a man, the man that taught and showed me what true love was, and know that he no longer loved me. Having your heart broken for the first time at age 34 is unreal and unimaginable. He admitted that he said a lot things in the beginning to hurt me. He is not the man that I married almost 12 years ago. There were many lies and tales told to me, I think b/c he wanted me to file, so that he wouldn't look like the bad guy. Unfortunately for him, I took my vows seriously and did everything in my power to save our marriage. I'm stubborn like that.

I can finally say that God is healing my heart... I still feel pain. I still have uncertainty. I still cry. But there is so much good in my life that those feelings are now in the minority. God is slowly taking my love away. Before, all I saw and thought of were the good qualities that my husband possessed. All of the wonderful times that we had together and with our children. All of the horrible things that he was putting us through were nothing compared to what we could have had together. Finally...FINALLY I am seeing with not only my eyes, but also with my heart, that we are better off without him. It is an amazing sight.

God has a plan for my children and me. I pray that I am able to follow the path He is guiding me to. I pray that I am able to do His will. I don't know where my life is headed, but I do know that it will be blessed. My children are so happy here. They are thriving. They are learning. They are loved.

I am so happy to say that the friends that were with me at the beginning of this ordeal are still with me today. They are true and godly and amazing. My family is simply the best. God's hands have carried me through this year, but these wonderful people have stayed by my side and have held me tight, even when they wanted to shake me and open my eyes to what they were seeing. They allowed me to come to that realization on my own. Patient, patient souls.

This year was hands down the most difficult of my life. I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't experienced it. We made it. We survived. WE ARE ALIVE!

Praise the Lord!