You were an awful year in so many, many ways. There were lots of times that I wished that you never were. A few times when I wished that I never was either. You brought a lot of bad things with you 2010...pain, anguish, fear, doubt, uncertainty, loss, the end of my marriage and family... Plain and simply put, You Suck 2010!!! You suck suck suck!!!
BUT
You also brought so much good in spite of all that suck. I learned so much from you. 2010, you taught me that I literally have the strength to move mountains. The strength to stand on these two feet, when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry (or something much worse that rhymes with cry).
I discovered that I am abundantly blessed in the friend department. I mean seriously, fabulously, crazy blessed. I have been truly amazed by the outpouring of love and kindness that my children and I have received during your reign 2010. A.M.A.Z.E.D.
2010, you showed me that what I have always believed about my family was positively true. My children, my parents, my sister, my aunts and uncles and my cousins have given me unending, unbelievable, unprecidented love, support, and loyalty. (Even a few of my married-into-family!!) They will probably never know the extent of the impact that their actions have had on my kids and me. We would not be where we are without them...each and every single one.
To be honest, I despise what you have put my children thru and I may never forgive you for that. I know that it isn't really your fault, 2010, but it was still really rotten. I am happy to say that E, N and Z have worn you quite well....so much better than myself. You showed them that they are the most important people on earth to me and that I will do whatever it takes to love them and to provide for them.
But the best thing that you gave me 2010, was you renewed my relationship with God. I have loved my Lord for so many years, but I did not seek Him as I should have for quite some time. February 6, 2010 was the day that I came to Him, broken in a million pieces and He picked me up and started, piece by tiny piece, to put me back together. It has been a hard road. A hard, rocky, winding, back tracking, uphill, blind, high road. I am so beyond thankful that God is carrying my map and He is the One guiding me. I am no longer scared. I don't doubt. I know that I have a long way to go to be healed...I know that I will never be completely healed, but I know that Christ has a plan for me and it doesn't involve intentional heartache and pain. He has provided us with more blessings than I could have ever imagined.
So, as much as it pains me to say, Thank You 2010. Thank you for not being a complete waste of time...thank you for growing me into the strong, independent person that I am today. I am a better mom because of you. I am a better ME because of you.
Sincerely,
Kara
P.S. 2011, You don't have to reach very high to out do 2010. BUT...I have big plans for you, so you'd better get yourself together and get ready...
Monday, January 3, 2011
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A new sound.
I heard something new tonight....something beautiful and something that I have been longing to hear for quite some time. It was the sound of normalcy. It was perfection to my ears and my heart. It was a gorgeous night here in NE and after supper Zak and I went out in the backyard. I with my book and he with his scooter. Pretty soon Nater came out with Fletchy dog. A couple of great rounds of fetch with the tennis ball ensued. A few minutes later, Ellie showed up....and there it was...our little family. Our new normal.
The children played (together! nicely!!), I sat on the swing and read my book (hooray!), Fletchy chewed on a bone (like any good dog would), the sound of other children playing outside filtered in, a lawn mower, some light traffic....all so completely...complete. I thought...if only K were here to witness this perfection. But he is not, nor would he likely ever be. This is his busy time of the year (16hrs days as opposed to 12-14hr days). Even if we were home and together, he would still miss out on this amazing time of family. My heart aches for that, for him. I can not imagine missing this time in our children's lives. They are so so precious and fragile and innocent and smart and funny and and and... I could go on for days about these souls that we created. That God created. I am beyond blessed to be a part of their lives here and wish that their earthly father could/would share in the everyday with them. I am trying not to focus on him though...it is not my loss, but his. His incredibly huge, important, significant loss.
There are so many days that I despise my situation. Then there are days that I am thankful and that is when the guilt sets in. We lived a very good life. But now we are "living" so much more. Living without the fear of his disappointment for being late or the dread of asking permission to do something out of his comfort zone. My husband is not a dictator, by any means, but he likes rigidity and does not like it when things do not go as planned. Three young children does not a rigid schedule make....
That being said, I miss him. I miss my partner. I miss being able to take 15 minutes for myself if I need to. I miss discussing the day to day nothings with my love. I miss just being in his presence...we felt safe there. We felt secure there. We felt grounded there. We also felt a bit stifled and under a thumb there.
Here... We feel freedom. We feel fortunate. We feel blessed. We feel normal. We feel at home. How can that not be a good thing?
We have this outstanding tree in our backyard. My parents hung a swing in it and the kids get so much joy out of it. The boys run and belly into the swing and fly around, running on air. Ella wants to build a tree house in the tree. It would be really cool. Tonight she was standing on the swing in the tree and said "Mom, can you please buy this house? I just love it here." Music to my ears.
Our family....captured by emy.dear.
The children played (together! nicely!!), I sat on the swing and read my book (hooray!), Fletchy chewed on a bone (like any good dog would), the sound of other children playing outside filtered in, a lawn mower, some light traffic....all so completely...complete. I thought...if only K were here to witness this perfection. But he is not, nor would he likely ever be. This is his busy time of the year (16hrs days as opposed to 12-14hr days). Even if we were home and together, he would still miss out on this amazing time of family. My heart aches for that, for him. I can not imagine missing this time in our children's lives. They are so so precious and fragile and innocent and smart and funny and and and... I could go on for days about these souls that we created. That God created. I am beyond blessed to be a part of their lives here and wish that their earthly father could/would share in the everyday with them. I am trying not to focus on him though...it is not my loss, but his. His incredibly huge, important, significant loss.
There are so many days that I despise my situation. Then there are days that I am thankful and that is when the guilt sets in. We lived a very good life. But now we are "living" so much more. Living without the fear of his disappointment for being late or the dread of asking permission to do something out of his comfort zone. My husband is not a dictator, by any means, but he likes rigidity and does not like it when things do not go as planned. Three young children does not a rigid schedule make....
That being said, I miss him. I miss my partner. I miss being able to take 15 minutes for myself if I need to. I miss discussing the day to day nothings with my love. I miss just being in his presence...we felt safe there. We felt secure there. We felt grounded there. We also felt a bit stifled and under a thumb there.
Here... We feel freedom. We feel fortunate. We feel blessed. We feel normal. We feel at home. How can that not be a good thing?
We have this outstanding tree in our backyard. My parents hung a swing in it and the kids get so much joy out of it. The boys run and belly into the swing and fly around, running on air. Ella wants to build a tree house in the tree. It would be really cool. Tonight she was standing on the swing in the tree and said "Mom, can you please buy this house? I just love it here." Music to my ears.
Our family....captured by emy.dear.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
41 and counting
My parents celebrated their 41st wedding anniversary on August 2. Wow. That is a freaky long time. Their story began waaaaay back in 1968 at the Sunken Garden....a girl meets up with a boy and they search for a frog...what they found was love. They met on a blind date, were engaged 5 weeks later and were married 11 months after their first meeting. No sense in wasting time when it's right...that is so crazy and sweet and kinda scary.
I think that my parents would be the first to say that the past 41 years hasn't all been roses and bubbles and glittery good times. They have had their share of problems and hard times. My sister and I (but especially my sister!) were not the easiest children to raise. Even with the difficult hand that we dealt them, they did a fabulous job. Bubba and I are fairly well adjusted, successful, crazy cool kids. And as much as B and I hate to admit it...we have become our parents. Good times.
Mom and Dad have supported each other thru so much. Job and career changes and stress, illness, children, grandchildren, home renovation, pets, their own parents....LIFE. Amazing they supported each other and dealt with life. I have to say...they don't make things like they used to. 41 years ago, marriages were built to last. They were made to withstand the wear and tear of every day use. every.single.day.
I am sad that I may never have a 41st anniversary...or a 12th or even another 1st. I am also angry. I guess that K and I didn't read the same instruction manual when we got married. I have to say that I think that the manual evolves as the marriage evolves. I feel that I kept my manual current, but K's may have last been updated back when wives actually did "obey" and "submit" to their husbands. I hate that I was not able to be that wife for him, but I just can not obey rules that I don't feel are good or fair or followed by everyone. Unfortunately, being the rule breaker that I am hasn't earned me a trip to the principal's office and detention...it's a been a trip to the lawyer and a date with a judge. ugh. double ugh.
I thank my parents for keeping their manuals up to date. They love each other almost always...there are still days when they anger and annoy each other to no end, but their anger and annoyance does end and their love ALWAYS finds its way back home.
Back in 1968 my mom went in search of a frog for her roommate and what she found was her prince...my dad. I love you guys. I pray that you have many, many, many more anniversaries to celebrate.
I think that my parents would be the first to say that the past 41 years hasn't all been roses and bubbles and glittery good times. They have had their share of problems and hard times. My sister and I (but especially my sister!) were not the easiest children to raise. Even with the difficult hand that we dealt them, they did a fabulous job. Bubba and I are fairly well adjusted, successful, crazy cool kids. And as much as B and I hate to admit it...we have become our parents. Good times.
Mom and Dad have supported each other thru so much. Job and career changes and stress, illness, children, grandchildren, home renovation, pets, their own parents....LIFE. Amazing they supported each other and dealt with life. I have to say...they don't make things like they used to. 41 years ago, marriages were built to last. They were made to withstand the wear and tear of every day use. every.single.day.
I am sad that I may never have a 41st anniversary...or a 12th or even another 1st. I am also angry. I guess that K and I didn't read the same instruction manual when we got married. I have to say that I think that the manual evolves as the marriage evolves. I feel that I kept my manual current, but K's may have last been updated back when wives actually did "obey" and "submit" to their husbands. I hate that I was not able to be that wife for him, but I just can not obey rules that I don't feel are good or fair or followed by everyone. Unfortunately, being the rule breaker that I am hasn't earned me a trip to the principal's office and detention...it's a been a trip to the lawyer and a date with a judge. ugh. double ugh.
I thank my parents for keeping their manuals up to date. They love each other almost always...there are still days when they anger and annoy each other to no end, but their anger and annoyance does end and their love ALWAYS finds its way back home.
Back in 1968 my mom went in search of a frog for her roommate and what she found was her prince...my dad. I love you guys. I pray that you have many, many, many more anniversaries to celebrate.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
my boys.
Oh my....I love these boys. I simply can not imagine my life without these hooligans. When I was carrying them in my womb, I questioned God almost daily if He really knew what He was doing. He has a lot more faith in my abilities as a mother than I do. Being their mom is the hardest job I've ever had. Ellie was and is so much easier to understand...she's a girl and I'm a girl and that's pretty much it. The boys are boys and I'm a girl and I pretty much don't know anything about them. Boys are different than girls...a duh!...but seriously...SO DIFFERENT!! They make every day an adventure and some days I wish that I could just be an observer and not a partaker in their adventure....
There are two of them. TWO...always...forever!! Hooray!! The above pictures (taken my our sweet Emy,dear) capture each boy in his strongest personality. People always ask about how different their personalities are. They are really quite similar, it all just depends on the day, hour, minute to be exact. Nate has always been the more laid back guy and Zak has always been a bit more, let's just say, demanding. Funny how they got the personality of the parent that they most resemble!
These past months have been hard on these angels. I am so thankful that they are only 3. But even at "only 3", they have seen and heard much more than their little minds can comprehend. They are so protective of me and of Ella. They don't like to be away from either of us. While that makes me feel so very loved and special, it makes going to work (or any where else alone, for that matter) very difficult. They know exactly how to play me and I hoping that the many, many Dr. Dobson books that my mom is touting, help me to become the "Boss of Them". I definitely was NOT the disciplinarian of the family. That's coming back to bite my in the tush-tush. Yay me...
I pray for them a lot. I pray that I don't screw them up. I pray that they grow up to be men of faith. I pray that go to bed without a hassle every night. I pray that they stop peeing their pants...in the bathroom...in front of the toilet.
These kooky kids say the funniest stuff. Today Zak and Nate "helped" me clean the basement. Afterward, Nater and I were sitting on the couch and Zak was standing by the coffee table with something that he was going to roll. He said, "Hey, Nate. Come here. I need another "man" for my game." Ha!! My men. Nathan just says really profound stuff like..."Mom, I jus pee in my pants in the bathroom in front of the toilet." and the likes of that. Mostly, they just say cute stuff like, "You da best momma" and "I lubs yas so much" and "You are so smart and skinny and funny and smokin hot mom." Seriously. They say all that stuff.
I am doing the best that I can. The other day I told Zak that I loved him and he, in turn, said that he, too, loved me. I then asked him if he knew what "Love" was. His answer...."God." Wow. I think I am doing a good job.
Monday, July 12, 2010
be still my heart
Nathan and I had a conversation several weeks ago that I have been meaning to write about. It went something along the lines of this....
Nate: Momma, I just lubs ya so much. You my best frien.
Me: I love you too, Nathan. You're my best Nate.
the conversation could have ended here and my heart would have been full and right for a long time...but it continued
Nate: I just lubs my kitty cat blanket and I just lubs that chair....
and here I thought that I was special...
Nate: an I lubs this truck and this book...
then it happened...
Nate: and I just lubs yer blue eyes Momma. Dey blue like my flib flops. Dey are bootiful.
Me: (speechless....)
have you ever heard more poetic words in your life? I am smitten with that boy. he sure has a way with words.....
Nate: Momma, I just lubs ya so much. You my best frien.
Me: I love you too, Nathan. You're my best Nate.
the conversation could have ended here and my heart would have been full and right for a long time...but it continued
Nate: I just lubs my kitty cat blanket and I just lubs that chair....
and here I thought that I was special...
Nate: an I lubs this truck and this book...
then it happened...
Nate: and I just lubs yer blue eyes Momma. Dey blue like my flib flops. Dey are bootiful.
Me: (speechless....)
have you ever heard more poetic words in your life? I am smitten with that boy. he sure has a way with words.....
Sunday, June 20, 2010
untitled
I have been struggling with a title for this post...
Ode to the man I love? loved? am supposed to love?
A statement to the man that I am still married to?
An open letter to the guy that I thought was my one and only?
I chose not to go with an "Ode to..." well because I think that an ode to someone is an honor. I looked it up...it is an honor. Soooo, probably not what I am going for. The other's, well, they just seemed a bit long. Untitled it is.
My love is changing. That makes me feel so many things. Not all of them pleasant. It makes me sad. We have been in this predicament for just over 4 months...most days it seems like for ever, some moments still feel like yesterday. In that 4 months we have reconciled once for about 78 minutes, counseled together once with our pastor and twice with my therapist, had many deep conversations, I have moved myself and our children twice, I have gotten a job, I have been in therapy once a week, I have found new daycare for our children, I have been learning about the speed of our legal system, I have prayed a million prayers and wept even more tears, I have hugged and comforted our children and tried to explain things that I don't understand myself, and I have felt the indescribable love of my Father, my family and my friends. I don't know what is going on in my husband's life, so I can not comment on it, other than to say....from the outside, I don't think that it has changed much and now that he has delivered our Fletchy dog to us, he only has himself to take care of. I am trying so hard not to judge. SO HARD...
The opening line of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem How Do I Love Thee? is "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." I loved K with my everything. It brings me to tears now to think that I could have been so blind, stupid, naive, clueless, wrong, desperate.....gee let me count the ways I can put myself down!... I never, ever questioned my love for him because I never questioned his love for me. I don't understand. Plain and simple...I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! The logic in me is running around with her head cut off...but my heart and the rest of my mind believe that I am not suppose to understand and that I may never truly "get" why this happened to me. My therapist (remember, I'm the one that's messed up and needs weekly talks with professionals) agrees that I am not supposed to understand because if I understood, then I would be thinking like him and that's probably not the best thing. I am thinking that all of this crappy craziness has a purpose...I pray that it's sole purpose is not that when people think that their life sucks, someone says "Hey...you think you got it bad? At least you're not Kara K...that girl has a freaking mess on her hands!" I don't like to win the suckiest life contest. I hope that it's more of a "That Kara K, man, she had it REALLY bad for a while, but look at how she has come thru it. Her head held high, her faith unhidden, her children loved to the moon and back, surrounded by so MANY amazing friends and family. She really took something crappy and made a wonderful life and testimony out of it." Admiration is not something that I am looking for here. I don't think that it is necessarily admirable to do something that has to be done. People have often said that they admire me for how well I do with the twins and E in church, at the museum, park etc. but I am simply being their mother. Taking care of my children is my job. I feel silly when they say that because if they knew what was going on in my head, it sure wouldn't be admiration that they were feeling!! They'd probably be calling CPS on me!
Oops...this is supposed to be about my husband and my "love" for him... I wonder if he can feel my love leaving him? I couldn't feel his leaving me, but when it was gone, it.was.gone. I could feel that and I pray that no one ever has to feel that too. I wonder how it will feel for him. He's had this power over me for so long...I actually asked him one night what it felt like to own someone. He didn't really get the question...but that is what I have felt like...I was owned by him. I would have done anything in this world to make him happy. Anything. I would have given up everything and everyone for him. I am quite embarrassed to admit that. How pathetic it sounds. I am starting to take that power away from him. That feels good. I can tell you that throughout this whole ordeal, I don't think that I have raised my voice in anger to him once. I have been too afraid of the consequences. My anger is coming...my therapist calls it "positive anger"...not the "I'm going to get revenge on you if it's the last thing I do" anger, but the "You kinda suck, and you really don't deserve me because I rock" anger. I'm not really the revenge kind of girl....I guess he should be thankful for that!
I think about him less and less each week. He doesn't consume my days or my nights. (I thank Tylenol PM for that!) It's not hard to speak lovingly about him to our children. He is their father and they love him and I will never tread on that. I am starting to be able to make light of my situation. I am sarcastic and snarky and I think that people would worry if I was a serious mess all the time....I would worry if I was a serious fun hater all the time. Life is about LIVING and I plan to live mine to it's full potential...because I can. So there.
I'm not sure if it will be a sad or happy day the day that I don't think of him at all. I know that that won't be any time soon. I still pray for him. I want him to have a good life. I want him in our children's lives. I'm gonna be honest when I say that I really don't want him to ever fall in love again....not because I hate him or want him to be miserable, but because I don't ever want him or some other woman to go thru this again. I don't think that he is going to do the work to make the changes he needs to make and that doesn't make for a healthy, happy, strong relationship.
Life goes on. The world will never stop spinning. I have accepted that. It was a hard journey to that word...acceptance. Wow. Do you know what happens after acceptance? Moving forward. It's a daunting task, but I think that I'm up to the challenge. I want to be the loser of the suckiest life contest....
Ode to the man I love? loved? am supposed to love?
A statement to the man that I am still married to?
An open letter to the guy that I thought was my one and only?
I chose not to go with an "Ode to..." well because I think that an ode to someone is an honor. I looked it up...it is an honor. Soooo, probably not what I am going for. The other's, well, they just seemed a bit long. Untitled it is.
My love is changing. That makes me feel so many things. Not all of them pleasant. It makes me sad. We have been in this predicament for just over 4 months...most days it seems like for ever, some moments still feel like yesterday. In that 4 months we have reconciled once for about 78 minutes, counseled together once with our pastor and twice with my therapist, had many deep conversations, I have moved myself and our children twice, I have gotten a job, I have been in therapy once a week, I have found new daycare for our children, I have been learning about the speed of our legal system, I have prayed a million prayers and wept even more tears, I have hugged and comforted our children and tried to explain things that I don't understand myself, and I have felt the indescribable love of my Father, my family and my friends. I don't know what is going on in my husband's life, so I can not comment on it, other than to say....from the outside, I don't think that it has changed much and now that he has delivered our Fletchy dog to us, he only has himself to take care of. I am trying so hard not to judge. SO HARD...
The opening line of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem How Do I Love Thee? is "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." I loved K with my everything. It brings me to tears now to think that I could have been so blind, stupid, naive, clueless, wrong, desperate.....gee let me count the ways I can put myself down!... I never, ever questioned my love for him because I never questioned his love for me. I don't understand. Plain and simple...I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! The logic in me is running around with her head cut off...but my heart and the rest of my mind believe that I am not suppose to understand and that I may never truly "get" why this happened to me. My therapist (remember, I'm the one that's messed up and needs weekly talks with professionals) agrees that I am not supposed to understand because if I understood, then I would be thinking like him and that's probably not the best thing. I am thinking that all of this crappy craziness has a purpose...I pray that it's sole purpose is not that when people think that their life sucks, someone says "Hey...you think you got it bad? At least you're not Kara K...that girl has a freaking mess on her hands!" I don't like to win the suckiest life contest. I hope that it's more of a "That Kara K, man, she had it REALLY bad for a while, but look at how she has come thru it. Her head held high, her faith unhidden, her children loved to the moon and back, surrounded by so MANY amazing friends and family. She really took something crappy and made a wonderful life and testimony out of it." Admiration is not something that I am looking for here. I don't think that it is necessarily admirable to do something that has to be done. People have often said that they admire me for how well I do with the twins and E in church, at the museum, park etc. but I am simply being their mother. Taking care of my children is my job. I feel silly when they say that because if they knew what was going on in my head, it sure wouldn't be admiration that they were feeling!! They'd probably be calling CPS on me!
Oops...this is supposed to be about my husband and my "love" for him... I wonder if he can feel my love leaving him? I couldn't feel his leaving me, but when it was gone, it.was.gone. I could feel that and I pray that no one ever has to feel that too. I wonder how it will feel for him. He's had this power over me for so long...I actually asked him one night what it felt like to own someone. He didn't really get the question...but that is what I have felt like...I was owned by him. I would have done anything in this world to make him happy. Anything. I would have given up everything and everyone for him. I am quite embarrassed to admit that. How pathetic it sounds. I am starting to take that power away from him. That feels good. I can tell you that throughout this whole ordeal, I don't think that I have raised my voice in anger to him once. I have been too afraid of the consequences. My anger is coming...my therapist calls it "positive anger"...not the "I'm going to get revenge on you if it's the last thing I do" anger, but the "You kinda suck, and you really don't deserve me because I rock" anger. I'm not really the revenge kind of girl....I guess he should be thankful for that!
I think about him less and less each week. He doesn't consume my days or my nights. (I thank Tylenol PM for that!) It's not hard to speak lovingly about him to our children. He is their father and they love him and I will never tread on that. I am starting to be able to make light of my situation. I am sarcastic and snarky and I think that people would worry if I was a serious mess all the time....I would worry if I was a serious fun hater all the time. Life is about LIVING and I plan to live mine to it's full potential...because I can. So there.
I'm not sure if it will be a sad or happy day the day that I don't think of him at all. I know that that won't be any time soon. I still pray for him. I want him to have a good life. I want him in our children's lives. I'm gonna be honest when I say that I really don't want him to ever fall in love again....not because I hate him or want him to be miserable, but because I don't ever want him or some other woman to go thru this again. I don't think that he is going to do the work to make the changes he needs to make and that doesn't make for a healthy, happy, strong relationship.
Life goes on. The world will never stop spinning. I have accepted that. It was a hard journey to that word...acceptance. Wow. Do you know what happens after acceptance? Moving forward. It's a daunting task, but I think that I'm up to the challenge. I want to be the loser of the suckiest life contest....
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Things that I heard today.....
....and hope to not hear again for some time, preferably never again.
* the alarm clock...oh wait, I'll hear that again in the stinking morning.
* "Mom, I just spilled my pop and it ran like a river, but it's okay, cuz it's was just an assident." Nate...coming out of the living room.
* "Mom, I just stepped in dog poop, but it's okay, cuz it's was just an assident." Zak.....standing on the carpet.
* "Mom, we was just playing like dogs. That's why Fletchy's food is all over the ground. We was just eatin it. It's okay, cuz it was an assident." Nate and Zak....upon being questioned as to why there was an empty container of dog food on the steps and dog food strewn about the patio.
* "Mom, it's okay, cuz it was just an assident that I frew dis branch frew the screen door window. It's okay." Nate....looking at the shattered window like it was no big deal.
* "Mom, the dog just puked." Ella....as she walks out of her bedroom.
I am going to bed and turning off my ears.
* the alarm clock...oh wait, I'll hear that again in the stinking morning.
* "Mom, I just spilled my pop and it ran like a river, but it's okay, cuz it's was just an assident." Nate...coming out of the living room.
* "Mom, I just stepped in dog poop, but it's okay, cuz it's was just an assident." Zak.....standing on the carpet.
* "Mom, we was just playing like dogs. That's why Fletchy's food is all over the ground. We was just eatin it. It's okay, cuz it was an assident." Nate and Zak....upon being questioned as to why there was an empty container of dog food on the steps and dog food strewn about the patio.
* "Mom, it's okay, cuz it was just an assident that I frew dis branch frew the screen door window. It's okay." Nate....looking at the shattered window like it was no big deal.
* "Mom, the dog just puked." Ella....as she walks out of her bedroom.
I am going to bed and turning off my ears.
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